


Broken Glass Inside My Head

by LostInTheCityofAngels



Category: Green Day
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, References to Depression, trigger warnings for many many topics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29340912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInTheCityofAngels/pseuds/LostInTheCityofAngels
Summary: Originally on my Wattpad (JohnlockStarkParker), but I thought I'd archive it here.Billie Joe was only sixteen when his father died. Certain events led him to have to stay at a mental hospital. There he makes friends with two incredible boys. His only problem was Jimmy and possible just his own worst enemy: himself.Three friends with their own struggles form a friendship and bond through music during their stay in a psychiatric hospital.triggers: mental hospitals, common mental illnesses, suicide, and other related. be advused
Relationships: Billie Joe Armstrong/Mike Dirnt, Billie Joe Armstrong/Mike Dirnt/Tré Cool, Billie Joe Armstrong/Tré Cool, Mike Dirnt/Tré Cool
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

Billie's P.O.V.

It was all Jimmy's fault.

No- it's my dad's.

Or wait- maybe it's mine.

Yeah.

It's my fault. I'm the one to blame. Of course. I'm stupid. My actions were dumb.

No, but it was Jimmy wasn't it?

Wait, it is me dammit. I fucked up.

How did I end up here?


	2. Chapter 2

Billie's P.O.V.

"Billie Joe sweetie, I want you to get better. It's what's best for you," my mom said as we approached the hospital.

"That's what everyone says," I replied. I had been crying the whole way. I didn't want to be alone locked up in a mental asylum for- who knows how long?!

We didn't talk the rest of the way. I was riding shotgun with my mom driving, my black duffel bag of clothes sitting near my feet. Currently I was on my medication because my mom forced me to. It made me feel different. It's hard to explain but I was juts not me. As I see the clearing, I remember why I'm here.

\----

It's January now. Last September my father died of cancer. The doctors said I fell into this depression and it made my anxiety I already had worse. They also wouldn't tell me other things. I knew my mom was hiding something more serious but I didn't know what.

Shortly after my father died, this guy from my school approached me. I'm not sure if he went to the school to be honest. I've never seen him in classes or hallways but he was out around the back. His name was Jimmy. He was the stereotypical punk. I started hanging out with him. He gave me some novacaine and surprisingly it took away the overwhelming feeling.

He was my only friend and I would escape to hang out with him. I invited him to the house once and when I told my mom, she got concerned and very worried as well as my siblings. I asked, "What's the matter?"

She then told me whoever this 'Jimmy' is I can't hang out with him. As usual, I got angry so I didn't listen to her. She thought Jimmy left but I actually was still seeing him.

I missed my father so much. I ached everyday for him. Finally Jimmy told me I could see him.

"How?" I asked.

"Go to heaven." I had never really contemplated suicide but then all of a sudden I told Jimmy that was an incredible idea.

"I think I will. I want to be with him forever."

"I have the alcohol. You have your anxiety meds right?"

"Yeah. But what about my friends and family?"

"Well, I'm you're only friend. Your family wouldn't mind. You're the youngest."

"Ok." I was nervous to kill myself but also I was seeing my father. I planned to do it winter break so at school people probably would assume I moved or went away.

The night I planned, I was shaking so badly. Before I went to bed, I left my letters out on the desk. All it said was I'm visiting my father. That'll give enough clues.

I hugged my family extra before going to bed. Then I cried before I hear a knock on the door. It's Jimmy.

"How did you get in here?" I ask.

"I brought the alcohol, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Thanks. Thanks for being an amazing friend Jimmy. I'll miss you." He hugged me then left as I swallowed all my pills slowly with the alcohol. Everything was getting blurry and fuzzy. I could feel my legs getting week. I wanted to walk over to my bed but I collapsed making a very loud thump against the door frame. I groaned.

"Billie Joe? Was that you? Are you alright?" I hear my mom's voice.

I can barely move, speak, breathe or even think. I close my eyes as my mom screams my name but I already blacked out.

\----

We're pulling up the hospital now. It fucking sucks. Jimmy should've given me a more effective method. My mom took me to a therapist and I foolishly opened up about everything including Jimmy and that's why the doctor said I need to be at a fucking mental place. I should've never opened up. What was I thinking. Stupid Billie.

Even more annoying, I was put on this new medication which I assumed was for depression or something but it was a mystery. That explains the groggy feeling always.

"What about Jimmy? Did he visit?" I asked. Apparently I was in a coma for a few days from the failed overdose.

My mom sighed and didn't say anything. What did she have so much against Jimmy? Because he told me to visit my father? She hated him before I talked about that. I just hope to get out of this hell soon.

The car pulls up and I refuse to get out. This is when I start crying again. "No mom!" I pull on my hair.

"Billie Joe sweetie. Please. If you get better, you'll get out! Think about it that way. Be a good boy you've always been."

Somehow I get out of the car against my own free will. I go in the elevator with my bag and I think, this is it. We make it to the front entrance. The doors are very thick and have locks. I guess no escaping.

My mom goes up while I take a seat. She talks for a while before coming to me and embracing me in a very long tight hug. "I love you Billie Joe. Stay safe." She leaves and that's when I act like a little boy. I grab onto her waist and try to stop her.

"No!" I yell. This already gets the attention of the nurses who already start pulling me off her. I scream and squirm but my mom left. That's when I relax and I just curl up into a ball. I hate this place already.

After I calm down, the nurse brings me to my room. She looks through my bag and takes away everything she could deem as dangerous. Then she takes me to my room and says I'll have a male nurse so I feel more comfortable. His name is Dr. Freese.

He starts to show me around. It's boring. I don't want to explain. Rules- who needs those. All I know is the schedule sucks. Private therapy, group therapy, recreational time, and even worse disgusting food I'll be having! I learned I'll be having a roommate and it's not my choice.

His name is Mike. That's all I know. He's tall and skinny. I wish I was. First glances, he was cute. But I wasn't here to meet anyway. I just needed to get the hell out of here.

It was only in the afternoon but they said I could start according to schedule tomorrow. They also said an exception is that I could skip dinner in the cafeteria but just this once. I ate alone in my room disgusting food you'd give to prisoners.

Then I went to bed. If this is what you call a good life, I want a better way to die.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you to my readers I have. I'm very grateful, also some people skipped the prologue... not sure why---- it might be important. but anyways, enjoy this chapter!! and if you're curious i picture the hospital to be the one from basket case MV

(Edit: added picture)

Billie's P.O.V.

I wake up at six am. It's like some fixed schedule now. It feels like prison- not that I've been. Mike is already awake. He's creepy. He was staring at me when I woke up. I could just sense it. I made eye contact with him for a split second before looking away. He already was dressed. He was wearing this very ugly orange. It looked like a prison jumpsuit. I didn't know whether to laugh or get second hand embarrassment from him.

I get ready and put on my striped shirt and then another black shirt on top with my black pants. I look at myself in mirror. I look terrible but ya know, I always do. My eyes look like they're gonna pop out. Maybe that's why they called me insane. I get out and I see Mike waiting- for me?

He doesn't say anything but I think he wants to walk with him so as I approach him he walks slightly keeping a distance. I wonder why he's in here. It's a mystery. I'll probably find out sooner or later.

I stare at his ass. Well- it was just near my eye level. Ok, I'm not that short. But he had a nice ass. What am I thinking? Duh I'm bisexual, but that doesn't mean- these thoughts. Wait, I'm not making sense. Maybe I'm just at the age where everyone I'm horny. I slap myself for thinking these thoughts and Mike turns around.

I give off a smile that was obviously fake. I follow him and it's just look school only ten times worse. Instead of being invisible, it's kind of the opposite. Fuck this food. Its disgusting. I take it anyway and Mike sits down next to a blonde boy wearing yellow. What's with these terrible colors?!

I don't see any spots and the other people look weird so I think sitting with Mike is my best guess. I can sense everyone staring at me. Probably thinking who this new kid is. I sit down next to Mike who still doesn't say anything.

The kid with blonde hair next to Mike keeps staring at me. I try not too look at him directly. I just stare at the mushy food. Eww. I don't think anyone would understand but this food looks like the type where it's so bad but you're hungry so you just want it. Exactly like school lunch. Everyone loves the fries and turkey although its disgusting. Just something about it. I take the cheap the plastic fork and start eating.

I'm getting more annoyed at the blonde kid.

What would Jimmy say? I think to myself. Jimmy would be helpful. But he's not here. I'm stuck with myself.

"Hi," he says. I'm shocked by his voice. It kinda sounds like a chubby chipmunk. I ignore him because maybe he wasn't talking to me.

"You. Mike's roomie." Then I look up at him and wow! He has incredible piercing blue eyes. "What's your name? I'm Tre! Tre Cool! Because I'm very cool!"

"I'm Billie Joe," I mutter taking another bite of the food. Ok, it's becoming addicting.

"Cool name! Are you from Texas?" He's weird. I'm obviously from California like him. I don't reply.

"Well BJ, enjoy yourself here. Wanna know the perks? Well I'll tell ya anyway. The food is actually better than most hospitals around here so that's a privilege. During the free time, we are allowed instruments but you have to prove you can use them. I play the drums! Mike here plays bass! We're looking for a guitarist or singer but no one else here can do that. Please say you can!" Tre was talking a mile a minute. He was very hyper and never blinked once. He never even looked away from me.

"Yeah, I play and sing. But I'm not good," I quietly say.

"Oh I'm sure you are!" I actually started to like Tre. He was actually cool. I still didn't know what was up with Mike though. He was quiet the whole time and didn't touch his food. I had finished mine by the time breakfast was almost over. 

At least if I wanted a friend I had Tre, and possibly Mike. All these other people i didn't really pay much attention to but were all around my same age.

We cleared our trays and Tre took Mike's but was scolded saying he can't have it.

"Why not," Tre complained.

"You've been here a few months. You should know by now."

"Yeah, well Mike has been here longer."

That's what I heard. It wasn't really my business. I was starting to miss my mom. I go back to my room and Mike looks out the window holding onto the frame, as if that made him feel better. He was looking out at the grass field full of nature. We weren't allowed to go outside.

Now it's time for what I really didn't fucking want. Medication and pills. To be honest, I only liked it if it was in high doses but they were actually giving a small one. I take it anyway. So does Mike. I don't know why but his doctor talked to him as if I wasn't in the room. Maybe he didn't notice me curled up in the corner or he didn't mind.

"Mike I'm going to have to force food in you unless you start eating."

"You say this every fucking day," he says.

"Yeah, and you should learn by now."

"Get the fuck out," Mike yells. The doctor rolls his eyes and leaves. Mike then turns to me and makes direct eye contact.

"I didn't hear anything," I say as if that mattered.

"It doesn't matter. Everyone finds out about everyone eventually. They'll find out about you." Mike finally leaves the window.

"What do you do. Tre mentioned playing instruments?"

"Yeah. That's only once a week. If you're good all week you can. Recently Tre has been trying hard."

I really wanted to earn that right. I want to be jamming out on a guitar. I didn't want to lose the skill. "So long long have you been friends with him?"

"He came a few months ago. I've been here half a year. It fucking sucks. You think it's going to get better but it doesn't. Otherwise I'd be out of here."

I look around for my schedule. I see it says group therapy. What the fuck? "Do we have to attend?"

"Yes. Everyone does. Don't worry, Tre does most of the talking. You're the shy type. I can tell."

"So are you," I say.

"I guess," Mike says hesitantly. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"Therapy."

"Fuck that," I say.

"Fine. Get marked done and you won't get to play the guitar."

Damn. Mike should be my therapist. "Ok! I'm coming." I could already feel the bonding. Maybe I did want friends here after all.

I follow him and peek into the room of chairs in a circle. So it is like the movies! Son of a bitch. I don't want to go in. Everyone will be looking. I hate it. Dr. White will be observing me. (Author note: yeah I know it was dr. Freese but I changed it to the other Jason)

"Follow close." Mike made me feel somewhat more comfortable. It just so happens that Tre had saved seats. God I love him.

"Here ya go," he says patting to the chairs next to him. He's adorable when he bites his lip. I sit down next to Mike and a stranger. I don't like it. 

I lean into Mike's ear. "Can I sit in between you and Tre?"

"Sure." He moves and I sit between them. I take note that they will probably be my friends because everyone else here is weird or I don't like them. I can sense the stares already. Damn this place.

Don't put me on the spot. Don't fucking put me on the spot. Don't call on me. Fuck. Stop shaking. I can't! Fuck this already. I want to run away but then I won't be able to play the guitar. Is that my only motivation? Geez. 

"Let's introduce our newest member," Dr. White says. Luckily I grew my hair out a bit so I hide my eyes under my dyed black hair and look down.

Its silent. It feels awkward. I wonder how those weirdo philosophers felt in their Socratic seminars. Just don't get me started on that shit my school made me do.

"That's BILLIE JOE! He's my friend," Tre says. Thanks for backing me up. I owe you Tre.

I still don't say anything. My feet look interesting. Everyone went and said their names. I didn't really care much. I don't want this to go any deeper.

"So is there anything interesting anyone would like to say?"

"ME!" Screamed Tre almost falling out of his chair.

"Calm down Tre," the doctor said.

"Mm. No thanks. What I want to share since you all are boring motherfu- oh wait, I want my privileges. Sorry for cursing. Anyway I wanted to say that Billie is interesting! He's my new friend! He's awesome. My only other friend was Mike because you all are creeps but Billie isn't!"

"That's great Tre. But please be respectful to the other people here."

"Do they mark you down if you don't talk?" I whisper to Mike. "They mark down everything. They're watching every move."

"Way to make me paranoid," I huff.

"Did you want to share something Billie Joe?"

No. Fuck no. Don't get into my mind. I made the mistake once. It won't happen again. "No."

The rest of the hour was spent with mostly Tre talking. I still didn't know why anyone was in here except mike who I coincidentally happened to hear. I'm sure there is more to his story. After that, there was a short break until I had individual therapy. Fuck this shit! I mean, c'mon. Wasting my time doing this!

I go back to my room with Mike. We don't say anything until I see a familiar blonde boy poke his head in.

"Hey guys." He makes his way to the end of Mike's bed and sits down.

"Are you supposed to be in here?" I ask.

"Why not. They won't give me a roommate."

I wanted to ask why but I also didn't want to pry and be rude. Who knows what would happen. People are too damn emotional in here.

"I know you're thinking 'why,'" Tre says as if he did read my mind.

"Uh, why?"

"Only if you tell me why you're here. I know everything about everyone and I tell them about myself. Only for your information in return. It comes out eventually."

As friendly as Tre was, I didn't trust him. He might go running around the halls yelling. I would trust Mike but Tre was in here.

I didn't want to tell him the full details so I told half the truth. "Um, I'm uh depressed ya know... I uh- have anxiety."

"Must be pretty bad to land a spot in the world's finest nuthouse for teens," said Tre laughing. Then he noticed I was serious. "Um, sorry. Anyway, did Mike tell you?"

"No," he replies.

"Ok, well I'm here because I'M CRAZY! OK OK! I'll finally be serious. Well I want you to guess why I'm here."

How the hell was I supposed to guess? He seemed pretty hyper. Maybe he just did drugs- no but that wouldn't send him here. He seemed very happy but who knows. I made a random guess.

"Um, you're bi-polar?"

"No BJ. You're no good at these games. Mike does though."

Mike turned away. He must've been sick if Tre. It explained why sometimes he's quiet and that one time I saw him lash out at the doctor. So what was Tre's deal?

I forget the official diagnosis, too many. But basically I went crazy at home according to my father. I kind of forget what happened. I think OCD was it? Nah. One of those 3 letter or 4 letter ones. Maybe ASS! yeah. I think it was that. Something else too. I really don't remeber. But I'm actually the only reason you'll have fun here. I'm the only entertainment. You're not a creep like I mentioned earlier. Mike here is also not a creep." He falls to the floor laughing.

Wow. That explains a lot. Later when Tre left, I asked Mike why Tre was here. He said he really didn't know. Tre was a mystery.


	4. Chapter 4

Billie's P.O.V.

It was time for my fucking private therapy with Dr. White. I said bye to Mike as I headed down the hallway to the door with his name. I didn't know whether to knock so I stood outside for a few minutes. I was getting late. Then I give a small scream as the door opens abruptly and Dr. White appears.

"Sorry Billie. I didn't mean to scare you. I was going to get you but you're already here. Don't be afraid to just walk in."

I walk in and he closes the door. His office looks like how you'd imagine it. The bookshelf's of psychology textbooks, a big wood desk and then the sofa where I was sitting on.

"So Billie. Let me tell you how this works. I mean, you probably have an idea."

"Mmm."

"So how are you feeling. Be honest. This is confidential."

Well what if I lied right now? Will it get me out sooner?

"I'm well," is all I mumble.

"Are you sure." Geez. This guy's gonna press my buttons.

Just that question gives me the chills. My voice gets all funny when I reply "Yes." It probably doesn't sound sincere.

"Well if you want to talk you can." He sits back in a relaxed position. Is this some 'reverse psychology' to get me to talk? God. I really do hate it. I hate it so much. I think I've said that already but it really is fucking terrible.

"Do I get visitors?" I ask.

"Once a week. Your mom said it's uh- well she's far and working."

"I see. She's not coming," I say sadly about to cry.

"I'm sorry Billie. Is there anyone else who would?"

"I don't know, look at your notes," I retort back.

He doesn't seem offended. He writes something down then says, "Why don't you tell me. Who would be here to see you?"

The first name that comes to my mind is Jimmy. But he's a bad influence. Wait- this discussion is confidential.

"Jimmy."

"Tell me more."

"I'm sure your notes say a lot." He doesn't respond so after a minute I continue. "Jimmy was my only friend outside of here. He um," I didn't go into details. It would make me breakdown.

"Well, it'd be nice to talk to him on the phone."

"I think I can schedule that."

"Good."

We sit in silence for a bit more before he says, "Let's talk about this place. How do you feel being here? Are Mike and Tre your friends now?"

"I guess. Why is Tre here?"

"Im sorry. That's confidential," he says. Makes sense. I start to move around. Sitting still in this saggy sofa is annoying.

"How long do I stay here?"

"Well considering your actions, at least two weeks minimum. If you don't improve, you might have to be here longer."

I groan. "Then why are Mike and Tre not out?"

"They'll tell you if they're ready," he says. "Let's focus on you."

"I don't like me." I snap back fast.

"Why?"

Now this made me think. I must've taken a while to think. I was staring off into space. Why don't I like myself? I'm ugly. I'm stupid. I'm a failure. I'm the most disappointing one in my family. I am no use to this world. No one likes me. I hate myself. Life hates me. Why couldn't I have the perfect life? Why the fuck am I depressed? Why do I have anxiety? Why was I born this way? I need some fucking fixing.

I kick the fake plant in front of me. The pot is stronger than I thought. It doesn't even budge.

"Billie?" My thoughts are interrupted.

I look up and notice I feel really hot. My palms are clammy and sweat is dripping down my forehead and my shirt is sticking to my skin. I check the heart rate monitor on my wrist. That's one thing this fucking place let me keep. It was very small similar to those fitbits. It read 155. Fuck! Calm down Billie Joe Armstrong!

"I'm allowed to hate myself," I say pulling at my hair as the tears start flowing. They don't stop. I can't breathe. Fucking bullshit. Help. I want to scream but I can't. I run out the door and go into my room. I open the door abruptly to see Mike drawing or something like that. He sees me as I storm by and I go to the bathroom. I close the door but of course there isn't a lock. That doesn't help with the paranoia. It makes me think someone will look at me. Mike already must've seen me. I'm a mess. I can just sense his thoughts about me.

I try to even run my face under the cold water. It doesn't stop the tears from coming. I rip off my shirt and lay on the cold tile floor facing up. I cover my hands over my face but the sobs aren't quiet. I can't control it. I can't control myself. I just wanted to fall asleep and when I wake up, I'll be home in my own room with my mom making me my favorite breakfast.

But instead I'm here.

Jimmy used to give me Novacaine and it felt nice. Without those drugs, the sensation is overwhelming. Even abusing my prescription pills didn't help. I needed the numbing. I needed the pain to go away. I'm a victim of my symptom.

I hear the door unlock. Fucking god. I hate looking like a mess in front of anyone. Even my mom! I turn away and tense up.

"Billie," the voice said. I recognized it as Dr. White. Like he's gonna help. I didn't turn my head. 

"G-go away," I say in between sobs. "Just- just leave me alone!"

"Just breathe," he says.

"THAT'S WHAT IM TRYING TO DO!" I scream although he probably didn't understand me.

"It's alright to let your emotions out," he says. HOW? Is it normal every fucking day to cry? Is that good? To feel fucked up? I'm a loser.

"What will make you feel better?"

"I WANT TO GO HOME!" I bang my head against the wall. "FUCK!"

That's when I feel someone try to lift me up. Multiple arms. Fucking nurses.

"Get off me!" I say, my voice already hoarse. Probably due to the fucking asthma. Doesn't help that I feel like I'm dying and I can't breathe already.

"We tried to calm you down. Don't hit yourself and then we'll let go."

"I start kicking and I think I made a pretty solid punch at someone because I heard a shriek. Shit. I didn't mean it.

"Last warning Billie. We'll have to sedate you."

I try to scream but my voice is gone. I don't want to be sedated, so I stop fighting. Eventually they loosen their grip as I calm down. It's probably about another 30 minutes before I'm "fine" again.

I get up in my feet.

"How many fingers am I holding?" A nurse asks.

"Two."

"Good."

"Why?"

"You hit the cabinet pretty hard."

"Ehh." My voice was still hoarse. Geez, I sounded terrible.

"Take a mini shower with cold water." I will. If they fucking watch me I'm jumping out the window.

I go back into my room because the shower is in a seperate area and I see Mike. He looks concerned for me. I'm cornered with him! He looks like a fucking twig.

I make my way to the shower and I just stand there in my pants still.

"Are you going to go?"

"If you do something harmful, I will watch you."

"Pedo."

"No." I think I managed to piss off Dr. White. There was an edge to his voice.

I take a brief shower and check the time. Wait, I missed lunch because I was freaking out? My therapy with Dr. White started at 10:00am! It was now 2:00. Jeesus fucking of suburbia. What the hell? I'm a whiny person.

I change into some new clothes and I am given my lunch late. "Please try to stick to the schedule," Dr. White says. "It'll really help you. I'm sorry about today. I won't ask any more questions for a while."

You better fucking not. Geez! I could've died! It was fucking scary! Or maybe he's testing me again. Always part of a scheme. Damn doctors don't give privacy.

"It's now recreational time," he says. "That means you go to the open area. Instruments are on Friday so IF you earn the privilege it would be then. For now just talk with other patients. Play chess. Write, do art etc."

I follow him and he shows me the open space. He'll act as if he's not watching but he will be. I don't have freedom. I find Tre and Mike and go over because I don't want to make new friends. I'm happy they accepted me.

"Hey BJ!" Tre greets me with a big smile. It actually makes me happy. "I'm doing art and so is Mike." He points to markers.

"Why not pencils?"

"They're too dangerous," Mike replies.

I'm not gonna fucking do art. I'm 16, almost 17. That reminds me, fuck. I might have to spend my 17th Birthday here. It was the beginning of January. I had to make sure I got out.

I grab a marker and paper and start writing lyrics. I love songwriting. I've written a few songs about Jimmy and a few personal ones but I thought, fuck it. Let me write my emotions.

I've got a really bad disease  
It's got me begging on my hands and knees  
So, take me to emergency  
'Cause something seems to be missing  
Somebody, take the pain away  
It's like an ulcer bleeding in my brain  
So send me to the pharmacy so I can lose my memory

I'm elated, medicated  
Lord knows I tried to find a way to run away

I think they found another cure  
For broken hearts and feeling insecure  
You'd be surprised what I endure  
What makes you feel so self-assured

I need to find a place to hide  
You never know what could be waiting outside  
The accidents that you could find  
It's like some kind of suicide

So what ails you, is what impales you  
I feel like I've been crucified to be satisfied

I'm a victim of my symptom  
I am my own worst enemy  
You're a victim of your symptom  
You are your own worst enemy  
Know your enemy

I finish and look at my paper. I start humming the melody to myself.

"You have a great voice. It's unique," says Tre. I get shy and stop humming. I look at his art. He drew what looked like fire or something engulfing a shed. Mike was actually really good at art. It looked like him as a younger child in a woman's arms. His mom possibly? He saw me and quickly covered it.

"Sorry."

"It's fine." Since I knew Mike was bi-polar, I didn't want to do anything to upset him. It must be tough for him. Right now he just seemed very depressed whereas Tre wasn't.

Then we talked for about an hour. We didn't talk about ourselves too much luckily. I didn't want to freak out again. It was just random but we all loved punk music.

It was time to prepare for dinner so I walked back with Mike to my room. I still wonder why Tre had no roommate. It's not that there was no availability. He wasn't even in isolation either.

I clutch my paper to my chest but a nurse stops me before entering. 

"I need to see everything that goes in and out of here," she says.

"It's just a piece of paper!"

"What does it say?"

I don't like sharing my writing. I feel as if I'd get judged. But what can I do? I hand it to her.

She looks at it before nodding and leaving. I bet she's telling Dr. White.

"How is this my first fucking day still?" I ask Mike.

"I dunno. You'll get used to it."

Dinner is the same as breakfast except different food. I sit on the edge with Tre and Mike as usual so I don't have to interact with other people.

Mike doesn't touch his food again. I kind of want to help him but don't want to upset him either. Maybe if we become better friends I'll open up with him. I want those types of late night conversations with a friend. I know Tre would but sadly I don't share a room with him. 

As I drifted off the bed, I thought of what I'm doing here. Life is different. It's unpredictable.


	5. Chapter 5

It seems so frightening  
Time passes by like lightning  
Before you know it you're struck down  
I always waste my time on my chemical emotions  
It keeps my head spinning around

\------

Billie's P.O.V.

It's already been a week. Not much has changed. I'm talking more with Tre and Mike. They're always nice. When I say nothing has changed, it hasn't really. Same schedule etc. I feel more like a prisoner everyday. I never talk and now with Dr. White, we sit in silence for most of it. I think he's waiting for me to talk. I won't. I don't even know how he can just sit there in silence being so serious. Maybe he is a good guy. He wants me to get better.

Today I made a decision I wouldn't tell anyone. Jimmy taught me this trick. If ever someone forced me to take a pill I didn't want, I can hide it under my tongue. They make you wiggle your tongue but I practice in a mirror before. I have the skill mastered. I don't even think the medication helps me. It just makes me feel weird. Its not me. There's nothing wrong with me. This is how I'm supposed to be. That's what Jimmy said. I realize how much of an impact he's had on me.

It was time for medication and I did the trick! It actually worked. As I walk back to my room, I spit it out and keep it under the mattress. If they found it in the bathroom I'd be in trouble. This time Mike didn't see. If he ever caught me, I think he'd be silent about it. 

During the nights Mike never really talked but I think we were getting more comfortable. We'd say goodnight. Sometimes I'd ask if he was awake. He would reply "yes" but we never had a conversation. Eventually our conversations got a bit longer. Still not that long. Maybe a few sentences but I could tell we were becoming stronger friends. I knew only two people could be room mates but I went to as Dr. White today if I could have Tre.

"Um, can Tre move in with me and Mike?" I ask. Dr. White looks surprised I spoke. 

"Sorry Billie. You know the rules."

"Yeah but why is he alone? He's great friends! He gets along with us!"

"Sorry," he repeats. I huff.

"It's great your friends with Tre and Mike and it's only been a week. Do you want to try to make more friends here?"

"No," I say quickly.

"Ok. Why is that?"

"Tre was right. They're all creeps. And they look at me funny."

Dr. White sighed as I left.

Since it had been a week, yesterday was the day we got to play instruments. They told me, Mike and Tre that we earned it but barely.

I went into the room and I'm surprised they had instruments because they could easily be weapons or the strings could do something. But anyway, they trusted us.

Tre took a seat near the drums and Mike grabbed a bass.

I picked up a blue guitar which reminded me of my own back home. I smiled. There were still nurses monitoring the area but I started playing random power chords and Tre and Mike filled in on improv.

"You're good!" I tell them.

"So are you," they reply back. This was fun. We spent an hour jamming out and laughing and having a good time. Now I'd just have to wait another week of hell. That was the only time I had fun. Now it made me sad to think I'd have to leave my friendships if I get out but I had to enjoy the moment.

Later again with Dr. White, I told him I enjoyed it very much.

"Well, it seems like you're cooperating. Taking your medications, not causing any trouble." I gulped at the medication part. Luckily he didn't notice. "If you keep doing this and so does Mike and Tre, then maybe we can arrange more time. The nurse told me about your song you wrote. Can you tell me about that."

My eyes go wide. No one should look at my writing! It was still in the drawer!

'Um, it's private," I say.  
"Is music what makes you happy? You get your feelings out in your songs?"

"Uh, yeah."

"That's not a bad thing Billie."

"Ya. I know." Therapy was always fucking awkward. I can just still think of all the thoughts he's thinking. I want to be able to play with Tre and Mike but I think don't have to take the pills. He won't notice. I'll be good for everything else. We still have never specifically talked why I was here but it also happened to be visiting time which was once a week.

For some reason I remembered Jimmy's phone number so I dialed it.

He answered.

"Hey Jimmy!"

"Hi Billie. So, you ended up in the nuthouse huh? Sorry about that."

"It's not your fault," I say. "You're a great friend. Hopefully I get out before my birthday and I can celebrate it with you."

"Thanks. So how's it going in there? Any friends? Did you beat anyone up?"

"I'm actually a good boy," I chuckle. "I made a couple friends."

"Are they true friends?"

"Yeah. They're the nicest non-creepiest people here."

"Well, that's good. Um, listen Billie, I miss you. Like really miss you. I'm going to find a way to go there. I'll sneak in."

"What how?" I'm confused now.

"Shhh. Don't tell anyone. I have my ways Billie. Ok?"

"Ok Jimmy..." I am about to say bye when I see Tre and Mike come over.

"Who is it?" he asks.

"Say Hi to Jimmy," I say. "He is my friend."

"Hello?" Tre says. Then he frowns putting the phone away. "He hung up."

"Oh sorry," I say. "That was rude of him."

"It's alright. You've never mentioned Jimmy. What's he like?'

I didn't really want to think of him because then I'd get lost in my thoughts and freak out again. "Oh don't worry," I say. I still can't tell anyone about how Jimmy wants to break in or something. That's annoying but I'm keeping my promise with him.

Us three hang out together some more. They make me forget my thoughts. Maybe they are better friends. I think I love them as brothers. I've only known them a week but something tells me I'll be with them forever.

\---

The next week was the same as this week. The musical privileges were still once a week but since I was good, starting the third week we would get to do it every other day for an hour. I told Mike and Tre and they were very excited.

We seemed happy, at least Tre always was but I was getting more concerned for Mike. He was always like this? I wanted to make him happy.

Last night we had our first ever deep conversation you could say.

"You awake?" I ask him after the lights went out.

"Of course," he replies. After a pause he asks, "Do you ever miss your family?"

"Yeah. All the time," I say. "You?"  
"It's complicated. Let me tell you something."

"Ok." I don't know what he's going to say but I shut up and listen because I'm respectful.

"You know Tre has been my friend here for a few months now. The doctors said he was a great friend for me and then you came. You're just as amazing too. The thing with Tre is that I can't share a room with him. I had asked. I didn't know why." He turns to face me. It's almost pitch dark but I can make out his outline.

"Yeah, Dr. White wouldn't let me either."

"I don't even know why Tre is really here. They won't say. But the point is, you're a great friend. I mean, well-" He seemed hesitant to continue.

"I'm listening," I say.

"Ok. I don't think I'm getting better. I'm not supposed to share this, it was a deal but I'm not supposed to earn the right to play the bass with you and Tre. To do that, I have to follow all directions. I don't. It's complicated, maybe you would understand, maybe you wouldn't. But I do it for you. I have Dr. White as well. He told me that music is possibly the only thing that will make you better. You can't tell anyone."

"I promise I won't," I reply. "Did he tell you why I was here?"

"No."

"Maybe I should tell you."

"I think Dr. White would like it if you shared it during group therapy."

"Bullshit," I say. "I just can't. I'll tell you because I trust you Mike."

"Thanks Billie. I trust you too."

I open my mouth but pause for a bit. I haven't taken my pills in two weeks. I can already feel the tears coming or sensation that my heart is going to explode but I talk anyway.

"Well- back in September, my father died of cancer. And then I just got very depressed and uh- Jimmy, the one I told you about. He gave me the idea of meeting my father. I mean what do I have to live for?"

"Jesus. I'm sorry Billie. That's terrible. Please don't kill yourself."

"I tried," I say as the first tears comes down. I bury my face in my pillow to muffle the sound.

"Look Billie, I'll tell you something. I tried to kill myself too. It didn't work out and that's why I'm here."

"Then why haven't you gotten out?" I reply.

"Because I'm stubborn. I have issues that are hard to fix. You might be able to get out of here."

" Thanks for the motivation," I say. Do I mean it? Yeah. Mike is really soft. I still haven't seen his angry side although one day he was missing and Tre told me he kicked a nurse literally so he had to be in solitary confinement.

"When I was born, my birth mother was a heroin addict. I was adopted when I was too young to remember by another family. Basically the family sucked. It was a broken home. I didn't feel worthy. I had all these issues that were most likely from my mother's drug use. Certain events led me to try to take my own life. I thought what better way then to starve myself. I'd for sure die. I was stupid it didn't work."

"But why don't you try to get better?" I ask him.

"You wouldn't understand," he says. I don't want to set him off so I stay silent. We both do but I'm still crying. Now the have the events replayed into my mind. Grabbing the bottle and the pills- it just didn't feel real because it was such an odd hour.

"Fuck!" I scream into the pillow. I wanted my brain to shut up. Then something happened I would never suspect. I felt Mike come near me on my bed. This hospital had a rule of no hugging or touching other patients. But I didn't mind. He wrapped his thin arms around me and it felt nice.

I started to calm down already. He felt really skinny. I started to get more concerned for him rather than me. If Dr. White thought I could get better but not Mike, what was up with him?

Eventually I fell asleep and when I wake up, Mike is already in the bathroom getting ready. My eyes feel super tired but as he walks out he smiles and I do too. We never talked about that night but I think we both could agree it was nice. We never confided in our doctors but each other was nice. We had a trust between us that would never break. At least I hope.

Um I hope people didn't ditch this story. I actually will finish it. It'll be done hopefully by the end of June is my goal. Maybe even sooner like May! Thanks for reading as always


	6. Chapter 6

Billie's P.O.V.

Today was very interesting. Yeah it really was. The day resumed like normal but then they took Mike for something that he wouldn't tell me so I was alone in the room. I took a marker and some paper and hid it because I didn't want to interact with anyone really. I started writing another song. It seemed reasonable. I thought to write something true to myself.

My name is Billie and I'm freaking out  
I thought before I was now I can't really figure it out  
I sit alone with my thoughts and prayers  
Screaming my memories as if I was never thereStanding at the edge of the world  
It's giving me the chills  
Looking down the edge of the world  
Lost in a tangle, it's freaking me out

That's all I got before someone startled me. No fucking way. Jimmy was standing in the doorway in plain black clothing. His hair was messy and looked like he had no product in it.

"No way!" I go up and he pats me on the back. "I'm a patient here now," he giggles.

"How did you get in?"

"That's a secret. Remember you can't tell anyone," he says. "I'm hiding in the back storage room where they have extra chairs and tables. They will never find me there."

"You did this for me?" I ask. I'm really surprised he did this. Does he like me? I guess he just missed me too much.

"Yeah, but remember, you can't tell anyone. Is your roomie the skinny fella?"

I nod.

"Well I can only visit you when he's away. I can't be seen, but at night I might be able to come when he's sleeping. I'll be quiet."

I was still shocked at everything. I was happy my friend was here but I don't know what would happen if he was caught.

"I guess I'll see you tonight?" I ask.

"Yeah." With that he disappears around the corner. 

It was now daily shrink time with Dr. White.

The usual questions were asked.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"Ya sure?"

"Yeah."

"Are you taking your meds?"

"Yes." No.

"You're doing very well. I'm glad. You'll probably be able to leave in two weeks just in time for your birthday if you keep staying on track. But this also means you'll still do weekly therapy and take medication at home. But-"

But was always what I hated to here.

"But you'll have to eventually open up and come to terms why you're here. You haven't really participated or talked too much. The point is to so we can make plans to get better.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. No. I don't need help. Don't tell me I need help. I keep everything in my head for a reason!

The rest of the time I just thought about Jimmy while sitting silently in the saggy sofa. I stared at the invincible plant. Dr. White had moved it behind his desk. What was he doing right now? At least I could think clear without my meds. Those damn pills are useless.

During recreational time, I really wanted to tell Tre and Mike about Jimmy but I couldn't. I especially couldn't tell Dr. White. But today was also when we played instruments.

"I was wondering if you guys would like to help me write a song," I say. I was still shy about it but not too much.

"Of course dude!" Tre said jumping up and grabbing the paper I had.

"It's not complete. I just started it today. I have a couple other complete ones if you want."

"Whatever you want BJ." At this point Tre loved calling me BJ a lot. I didn't mind.   
"What about you Mike?" I ask. He was extra quiet today. I wondered where he went.

"I dunno. I'm fine with anything."

"Cool," said Tre.

I notice the doctors looking at us talking to each other. Dr. White motions for me to come over.

"Billie, I was thinking, Tre and Mike are okay. Would you be willing to perform in front of everyone? I think it would help overcome your anxiety."

What the fuck was this guy thinking. Of course not! The only time I performed was in some punk squat with Jimmy's friend but I was stoned so I didn't have to worry about my anxiety. If I performed here, then I would actually have to do it. It was too much.

"No. Sorry," I say going back to Mike and Tre.

"Maybe sometime before you leave."

"Uh huh."

I ended up sharing with them a song I wrote called Basket Case. They easily learned it.

I knew the doctors were watching but I guess I didn't really care too much. It was the patients. They would be a weird audience.

"Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?" I start singing and strumming. "About nothing and everything all at once. I am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone no doubt about it."

I think I was going crazy or maybe I looked crazy. Whatever. 

"Am I just stoned!" I sing the last words and Tre gives a "Woo! That was awesome!" 

\--

Later at dinner I looked around for Jimmy. I spotted him in the corner taking a tray when no one was looking. Sneaky little guy. I smirk and look back down.

"What's up?" Tre asks. He turns to see where I was looking.

"Nothing," I say. Today's food was ravioli. It was actually the worst out of all the days. It was soggy and tasted like vomit shit. The green pesto sauce didn't help. I ate it anyway and Tre and I gagged at the same time then laughed. As our laughter died down, my smile faded as I saw Mike just stare at it. I wanted to scream for him to eat it. Maybe we could all get out at the same time.

In a low whisper I say, "Dr. White said I can get out in two weeks if I keep doing well."

"That's awesome Billie," Mike says.

"Yeah. But I want a plan. I want us to get out at the same time. We all live somewhat close to each other. We can stay friends and start a band.

"I wish," says Tre. This is the first time I haven't seen him hyper. "I just can't. I don't know why. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm in here for a while." I made a mental note to find out how I can help Tre.

"What about you Mike? You can."

"I can, but I won't. Like, just something in me won't despite me being able to. Like I said before, you wouldn't understand." He sounded like he was gonna start throwing things so I stayed quiet.

Maybe I could get advice from Jimmy tonight on how to help him.

\----

Later that night, Mike said he was tired and wanted to go to bed right away. He didn't feel like having a conversation but I didn't blame him. I was wide awake waiting for Jimmy.

A couple hours passed and I was bored out of my mind. Maybe he wasn't coming. I should just try to get some rest.

As I started to get comfortable I hear the door open slightly and Jimmy's figure slips in. "Hi," he whispers closing the door behind him quietly.

"We have to be quiet. Mike is sleeping."

"Oh he'll be fine. He won't wake up. So, let's catch up some more."

"Well it's almost been a month. I think I can get out in two weeks."

"Are you going to kill yourself again?"

"To be honest I don't really want to," I reply.

"What about your father?"

"Please-" Any mention of my father makes me very emotional. Jimmy should know that. I didn't want to talk about it.

"Ok, well if you don't want to listen to me, I can leave. You have twig and ugly chubby boy."

"Don't fucking call them that!" I say a bit louder but still in a whisper.

"Awww, getting defensive."  
"Stop it!"

"Well why did I come here if you just changed? I thought you wanted to see your father!"

"I do."

"You're confusing!" He screams. "I'll be back. Oh, and I know you don't take your fucking medication. So if you tell on me, I'll tell them about your little secret."

"You fucking wouldn't!"

"Oh yes I would!" Fuck. Maybe my mom was right. I shouldn't hang out with people like him. I got myself into a terrible situation.

"Stop it Jimmy. Just go home!" I say getting more annoyed.

"I came all this fucking way for you to break our friendship? What about those nights at the tracks? Smoking, laughing and forgetting our worries."

"Sorry. It was a mistake."

"Fuck you Billie!" He lunges at me but I move. I get out of bed and I see Mike stir in his sleep.  
"Be quiet!" I'm whisper screaming by now.

"You're pathetic. GO FUCKING DIE!"

I couldn't fucking believe what he was saying. I regret all the shit I did with him.

"Ya know, maybe I should've! It's your fucking fault for not giving me an effective method." I shot back full on screaming.

"Your fault for letting your family find you!"

I fucking hate Jimmy. Without thinking, I get up and lunge my full body at him but somehow he moved really fast. I fell straight on my face onto Mike's bedframe. Motherfucker! That hurt so much. I started crying and holding my face. I'm such a baby.

"Awww. Poor BJ," Jimmy taunts behind me. The amount of pain I'm feeling is so bad. It's like when you go to the dentist and they tighten the braces but it felt like 10 times that. It didn't help my forehead was hurting too.

I'm not the type of guy to get into a fight but I manage to stand up and face Jimmy. I can feel the blood trickling from somewhere on my face. I don't know where it's coming from but I'm fucking pissed off.

I throw myself at him once more but he fucking moves again! Son of a bitch! How the fuck! I knew I fucked up as I hit my head again on the side of the small table between my bed and Mike's. I can feel myself about to pass out. I gag as blood pours out from my mouth. I scream. This get's Mike's attention.

He gets up startled but it's still very dark.

"Billie. Are you okay? What happened?

He reaches for the light. I don't know how I look. I must look like a squirrel run over by a truck. As soon as he turns it on, I wince at the bright light. It feels like looking at the sun after getting high.

"Oh my god! I'm getting someone," he says running out the room. Obviously Jimmy must've left the room because I don't see him anyway. I knew I was fucked. He blackmailed me. I couldn't bring him up. I mean, technically I fell on my own. I didn't even want to move.

I hear footsteps and a few gasps. I look and see some annoying nurses. Stop crowding around me! It doesn't help.

"What happened Billie?" Dr. White asks.

"Um, I fell."

"Billie, did Mike do this? This obviously wasn't just a fall."

"No of course not! Mike would never."

The nurse helped me up and the pressure in my head was too much I just passed out.

—————

I wake up and I'm in a separate part of the place. Ugh. I feel awful. Then I remeber what happened. The room is somewhat dark. I feel some dried blood in my mouth. Gross. I randomly start hitting buttons I find and some nurse comes in.

"How are you feeling?" 

You're going to ask me that? "Fucking miserable," I say. Drain the pressure from the swelling!

"Dr. White will be with you shortly."

"What time is it?"

"5:30am." Jesus. Why me?

Dr. White comes in and asks me the same fucking thing. "How are you feeling?"

"What do you think," I retort back.

"Well I want to know what happened. Don't worry. We're putting Mike in his own room. Just for the night. You'll still see him but he'll be monitored closely.

"Wait why?" I ask.

"Well he obviously jumped you, right?"

"No!" He didn't! It was Jimmy but I couldn't say that.

"Well Billie, I know he's your friend but you can't cover for him."

"But he didn't!"

"Look, it's obvious someone did this. Mike was the only one in there."

"I swear Mike didn't do it! I just fell!"

"Billie, please don't lie."

"I'm not," I say. I give up.

"It's alright. Mike lashes out sometimes. Can you tell me what happened? He says he just found you like that and you were screaming. That's when he came to get us."

"Yeah that's the truth! You're not listening!"

"I am Billie. Get some rest and you'll be back to schedule by breakfast."

"But Dr. White! He didn't do anything!"

"See you later Billie."

He just fucking leaves! IT WASN'T MIKE. I couldn't fucking say it was Jimmy either. This situation was going to Hell. At breakfast I needed to apologize to Mike.

Oh no! Well- stay tuned! New chapter tomorrow


	7. Chapter 7

Billie's P.O.V.

At breakfast I'm nervous to go apologize to Mike. He's sitting with Tre. As soon as Tre sees me he asks, "Billie! What happened?"

"I fell."

"No way."

Then what happened next, I so badly fucking wished I could take everything back.

"They think I jumped him," Mike says. "Because I'm that way."

"I'm sorry! It wasn't you! Dr. White didn't believe me!"

"Yeah but what other fucking evidence is there? You wanna know something Billie. I had actually planned to get better starting next week or something because I did want to get out with you and Tre and start a band. But now I don't want to!"

"Look, I'll tell you a secret. You can't tell anyone else or else my life will be fucked forever. TELL NO ONE."

"What?" Mike is definitely angry. He smashes his fist into the food.

"It was Jimmy. My friend. He broke in here and I kinda got angry and broke my friendship off because I didn't need him anymore but he got even more upset. So he jumped me and left. He's hiding in the storage room."

Mike pauses before saying, "Bullshit. I'm sorry Billie. I thought you were a good friend. I trusted you."

"But you can." His words hurt. Tre was getting a look on face like 'oh shit.'

"No. I fucked up. Like I always do. I wanted to get out of here. I was doing just fine with Tre. Honestly! I don't need you."

No fuck. My heart was racing again. I needed to do seomthing! "Well fuck you fucking twig. Why don't you eat? Maybe you'd get out!"

"That's enough!" Mike gets up and pulls me by his shirt. I know I'm stronger than him so I pull away. He then picks up the plastic tray and smashes it on my chest.

Instantly nurses come and pull him away. I feel instant regret what I said. He looked so hurt.

"Wait, I'm sorry," I say as they pull him away.

"Um," says Tre. "I can still be your friend."

"Thanks," I say. Although what the fuck.

During group therapy for once Tre, Mike and I say apart. I sat next to some psycho kid named Gerard. He never spoke and would always give goo goo eyes to some other kid named Frank.

I didn't look up as usual. For once Tre was silent. It was unusual.

Time passed by and nothing happened that day. I haven't taken a pill in three weeks now. No one noticed but I didn't mind. I had enough to overdose. Maybe I would try that. Fuck. I'm a wreck.

Dr. White said that Mike didn't want to play Bass anymore or even be near me. That just me really upset that I fucking took his plant and raised it above my head. I was going to throw it but Dr. White gave me a disapproving look. Everything was falling apart.

We stopped playing instruments together. Even Tre was said. He would try to pop a joke but gave up after there was no reaction. He didn't like being friends with both of us but if mike and I didn't talk.

Finally I just asked tre when I was only with him, "Tre, what did you really do to get in here?"

"Look. I don't know. Ok. I really don't remeber." He seemed serious.

"But how can you not remeber?"

"Billie, please." 

I jpgot up and went to my room alone. Now Mike, Tre and I are the only ones in solo rooms. I just feel so bad for Mike. He didn't deserve this. I just had to tell Dr. White! But then Jimmy would expose me. I'd be staying longer in here. I'll make things right after I get up.

Maybe I should forget about Tre and Mike. Just two people who walked into my life and eventually will exit. But damn, I've never had friends like them before.

That night I started freaking out again by myself because I knew Jimmy was coming and sure enough he did.

"Hey Billie. You're alone now."

"It's your fault!"

"Don't start a fight again! Poor twig boy left huh?"

"Don't fucking call him that?"

"You called him that."

"It was a mistake."

"Here's the deal. You do what I say and don't tell on me or else I will make your life miserable. Plus, I used to make you happy remeber? There's no drugs here but I can tell you how to get rid of the pain."

Yeah, I kinda needed that right now. "Sure."

"Ok." Fuck this. I might as well do shit again. I'm not getting better. I'm not gonna go home before my birthday. I can dream.

"The room you were in after I beat you up has sharp tools in the drawer."

"I'm not going to fucking have you beat me up again!"

"Do you want the pain to go away or not?"

"Why couldn't you fucking bring in drugs Jimmy! You snuck in anyway!"

"Well I'm sorry for helping! Now shut up and listen. I'll send you to the hospital room again and you grab the scalpel in the third drawer. You hide it and whenever it's all to much, cut yourself!"

"Well, what if the nurses see?"

"Billie, notice how they never have checked your body for cuts? They assume you're not the type! It's even better!"

"Wait! But I don't want you to hit me again!"

"Well a tiny bruise isn't gonna send you to the room is it?"

"No but-"

That's why Jimmy's grabs me by the shoulders abruptly. In one swift movement he throws me on the ground and I fucking hit the same spot on my forehead on the table.

"FUCK!" I scream as he leaves. I'll definitely need stitches. Fuck Jimmy and his blackmail but yet again, he was helping. I guess in return he'll allow the pain to go away. I needed that so fucking bad. But I'm normal right?

I don't think anyone heard my cries. Fuck. I get up by myself holding my head. It's fucking disgusting. All the blood trickling down the from already sore spot. I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. A big gash. Holy fuck. I'm gonna puke and I do. Then I run out into the hallway. I must be having an adrenaline rush because now the pain is kinda gone and I'm just running.

The first place I go to is Dr. White's office. It's unlocked but then I realize it's the middle of the night. He must've gone home. The only thing I do is just scream again. This time a nurse walks out.

"OH MY GOD. BILLIE!" She takes me arm and leads me to the room while I'm crying looking like a fucking wimp.

"What happened this time?" 

"I fell." So believable.

"You'll need stitches." Fuck! Should I have done this no. But I did? Yes. Maybe it was good. But it wasn't. It was. It wasn't. It was. Fuck.

————-

Am I that much of a fucking baby that I blacked out again? Yeah. I did. I'm in the same room as last time. No one is around so I quickly go to the third drawer and I do see the blade. It's covered so I hide it in my pants. I get back in bed and again Dr. White comes.

"Billie. There are two options. You either are trying to hurt yourself, or you're proving that Mike didn't jump you."

"Neither! See! Mike didn't jump me!"

"Ah. So you did do this to prove he didn't?"

"He didn't."

"I see." Fuck Dr. White. He is either really stupid or just gets the wrong ideas.

"Billie. I'm sorry. I was hoping you'd get better but you aren't. If you really want Mike, I'm sure he'll apologize. I can let him know."

"Yeah well apparently you told him he's the only one making me better! He told me! He said you said that! So it's your fault for removing him!" I cross my arms.

"Billie," he sounded pissed and tired. "I don't think you're leaving soon."

"Whatever." I get up and go to my room where I quickly hide the blade. Then I go to the shower and just sit down and turn on the cold water and cry. 

How could this happen to me? I so badly wanted to cut but I have to save it for tonight.

Again fucking Dr. Shithead finds me. "Billie. Please, you're going to ruin your stitches. Get out of there."

This time I don't say anything. I'm just so tired of everything. I want it to end. Then I feel the water turn off. Way to ruin my mood. I'm just sitting there shivering.

"Billie. Dry up. Change your clothes. I'll see you in my office in ten minutes."

\----

I make my way to his office as much as I don't want to be there.

"Billie. You were doing so well."

"Were," I repeat.

"Yes. Is this all because of Mike?"

"I'm telling you he didn't fucking hit me!"

"The first time he did. We checked the cameras. No one else was there."

"Show me the footage!"

He turns around his computer screen. It's just black.

"You can't see anything!"

"Well no one else was there Billie! And then the fact that you hurt yourself again to try to say Mike didn't do it annoys me."

"I annoyed you? You fucking annoy me!" I say my heart pounding really fast again. I check the stupid heart rate. I need to calm down.

"Billie. I want you, Tre and Mike to all get together again."

"Yeah well Mike doesn't want that and then the situation becomes too awkward for Tre."

"I'm sorry Billie. You're going to be in here for your birthday."

Fuck. My life is fucked for sure. I might as well do what Jimmy says.

\----

During group and during meal times, we all sat separate. It was a weird experience. Tre was quiet for once.

It was just awful. It felt like going to a new school on the first day all over again. It's like we went back to the start but delayed. I lost all my progress. I should just give up.

\---

It was night time again and as I thought, Jimmy comes in.

"How the fuck do you avoid the cameras?" I ask.

"The cameras suck. I wear dark clothing anyway. Now take the blade."

I take it out as he says.

"Hold it to your thigh. and do a slight cut."

I pull my pants down slightly. This is ridiculous.

"Are you sure this will work?" I ask.

"Have I ever been wrong?"

"Um- yeah. I didn't die from the overdose!"

"But like I said, that was your fault for allowing your mom to find you. Now just do it."

"I'm scared!"

"Scaredy cat!"

"Shut up!"

"Baby Billie!"

"Stop!" I get annoyed and I slightly make a thin incision across and the blood starts coming. It's not that deep but the sensation did feel good. No wonder people cut themselves.

"That's good. Only do about five tonight. You'll get used to it."

I make a few more short small cuts and then go to the bathroom and dry off some blood. Then I pull my pants back up.

"Good work," says Jimmy.

"I'm sorry about our fight," I say. I just mostly say this because I don't want him beating me up again.

"No problem. Sorry for jumping you too."

He sits at the end of my bed for a while. "So how long are you going to be here?"

"It depends all on you," he says heading to the door. "Goodnight. Can't wait to do it again!"


	8. Chapter 8

Ok, i think some good action will finally take place in this story----

Billie's P.O.V.

What now? Everyday is the same. Next week is my birthday. Jimmy visits every night and I cut more. The nurses still don't know but when I shower I have to hide my pain when the water hits the cuts. Now it's just all over. I'm not allowed long sleeves but I'm getting desperate for more places. I think I needed to do my wrists. But today Jimmy annoyed me again. He uses the blackmailing advantage too much. I also ended up putting all the pills and collected them. I put then in a crack in the wall behind the door. 

Everyone here is more oblivious. I also want to comfort Tre but it seems like he doesn't do anything now. He's not his chipper hyper self. I think they gave him something. Group therapy is slowly getting to the point where I just want to expose everyone in the circle.

My depression is getting worse again. I'm falling apart. I want to kill myself so badly but at the same time I don't. I don't want to die. I just want a better life. And Jimmy is my only friend now again. Just me and him.

Back to the point, today Jimmy snuck into my therapy.

I was having my normal awkard conversation with Dr. White when I see him open the door and stand there. Dr. White's back is to the door.

I shoot Jimmy a look and mouth "leave"

Dr. White turns around. "Do you want me to close the door?"

Jimmy turns around the corner. Dr. White must've seen him. Shit! It's over! I start panicking because Jimmy will expose me.

"Billie? I can close the door."

"Stop," I say crying again. Ugh? Why am I like this.  
"Just focus on breathing," he says as he closes the door.

"Didn't you see- near the door?" I say covering my face.

"The hallway was empty Billie."

"But you must've seen something!"

"No Billie. This is a private therapy. No ones watching." He sounded sincere.

"Have you been sleeping well?"

No. I haven't. I have insomnia. I have anxiety. I have depression. I want to die. Those don't work well together. Jimmy keeps me awake all night. I probably only sleep an hour or so or none.

"No." I'm honest with him. Maybe I should tell him everything. Yeah. I'm gonna do that. I'll tell him everything except Jimmy. I've been holding it in too long.

The tears start flowing again and my voice gets all unnatural sounding.

"I'm done. I can't take it anymore!" I yell. He seems startled.

"What's been troubling you?"

"Someone! I can't say who but someone! I hate it here! Tre and Mike aren't my friends anymore! I fucking hate everything! I'm not fucking doing group therapy again. You fucking test my anxiety by putting me in that situation? Does it help? The way to overcome things is to face them? I guess I'm a fuck up then. I'm fucked up. My dad is frowning at me."

I get up and try to leave but Dr White says,"Stay in here."

"So you know who I'm talking about? You know who's out there?"

"What are you saying Billie?"

"Just I'm fucking sick of all this shit! I'm forever flawed! I'm just fucked up!"

"I found your song you wrote," he says pulling out a piece of paper. You left it on the floor. I don't know if it was by mistake but I read it."

"Ok. so what!" I don't want to make eye contact with him right now.

"I'll read it out loud."

"No!" I say plugging my ears.

"I will Billie."

"Why?!" I scream still plugging my ears.

"I want to say your a good writer, and if you open up in your songs, that's good. It's a way to cope."

"Fuck coping shit! Fuck everything!" I try to rip the paper out of his hand but he start reading it. I hide behind the big plant plugging my ears although I still hear him.

I've got a knack for freaking everything up  
My temper flies and I get myself all wound up  
My fuse is short and my blood pressure is high  
I lose control and I get myself all wound up  
Tension mounts and I fly off the wall I self destruct and I get myself all wound up  
Petulance and irritation sets in  
I throw a tantrum and I get myself all wound up

I lose myself and I'm all wound up  
Petulance and I'm all wound up  
I lose control and I'm all wound up  
I lose myself and I'm all wound up

Chip on my shoulder and a leech on my back  
Stuck in a rut and I get myself all wound up  
Killed my composure and it will never come back  
Loss of control and I get myself all wound up  
Blown out of proportion again  
My temper snaps and I get myself all wound up  
Spontaneous combustion panic attack  
I slipped a gear and I get myself all wound up

I lose myself and I'm all wound up  
Petulance and I'm all wound up  
I lose control and I'm all wound up  
I lose myself and I'm all wound up

I've got a knack for freaking everything up  
My temper flies and I get myself all wound up  
My fuse is short and my blood pressure is high  
I lose control and I get myself all wound up  
Tension mounts and I fly off the wall  
I self destruct and I get myself all wound up  
Petulance and irritation sets in  
I throw a tantrum and I get myself all wound up

I lose myself and I'm all wound up  
Petulance and I'm all wound up  
I lose control and I'm all wound up  
I lose myself and I'm all wound up

"So what?" I say annoyed after he finishes still not looking at him.

"If you express your emotions in the song, it does help. I noticed after you, Mike and Tre stopped playing, it really impacted you. I'll ask mike if he wants to play with you and Tre. You will still have a separate room."

"BUT HE DIDN'T FUCKING HIT ME ONCE!" I yell back as loud as I can. This time I startled Dr. White.

"Calm down!"

"No I am not gonna fucking calm down Jason!" Shit? Why did I say his first name? Well it seemed serious.

"Dr. White. Not Jason."

"Good riddance," I say as I walk out the door. He follows after me. "Go away!" I say not looking back.

"Billie, please. Let's talk about it."

"No. I'm not going to talk about it! You don't believe me!"

"Tell me who this mysterious person is that has been troubling you."

"I can't! Besides, this person- well it's just complicated. You wouldn't understand," I say. I turn the corner and I almost bump into Mike.

"Woah," he says out of reflex backing up a bit. He sees I'm upset.

"Are you okay?" He then looks over me and sees Dr. White approaching.

"Fuck no, Mike." His deep blue eyes look at me more and then I just hug him. I don't know why. I needed a hug. It reminded me that one night. I hug him for a while and then he hugs me back. "I'm sorry," I say.

"It's alright Billie," he says calmly.

I think I'm getting his shirt wet. Then I feel Dr. White pull me away.

"Stop!" I say.

"You're not allowed to touch other patients Billie."

"Yeah but Mike doesn't mind."

"Yes but its the rules."

"I'm just done," I say collapsing the floor. I'm not gonna move. Mike and Dr. White just look at me.

"Billie get up. It's almost lunch time."

No. I don't move.

"I'm grabbing Tre. You, Mike and me will lunch together in my office."

Uh what the fuck? Ok, geez. that was pretty tempting. I look up and he's smiling.

Mike doesn't show much emotion but I get up and wipe my face again with my shirt.

\--

I'm sitting back in the fucking saggy chair with my food and Tre is there too along with Mike. Dr. White walks in.

"Hi boys."

"Hey," Tre says.

"So, I was thinking, we could all just forget about the past couple weeks and you can all get along again."

"We were. You ruined it," Mike says. "I never hit Billie. He knows that. You wouldn't listen."

"There was no one else in the room, Mike. Unless Billie is hiding something that he needs to share." They all look at me. Um, I'm not mentioning Jimmy. He better not ruin this second chance of friendship.

"No," I stutter. 

"Well I'm going to leave and I'll be back in forty-five minutes." Dr. White leaves and us three are in the room.

We stare at each other awhile. It's awkward because the only sounds you can hear Tre and my chewing and Mike's breaths.

Then Tre just gets up and starts acting his "normal" self again. "Hey gang! We're back together!"

"Uh huh."

Just like that, we bond again. We forget the past. It seems like everything is normal but now Jimmy will definitely get in the way again. That's the only thing I'm worried about.

"Dr. White isn't in here," says Tre. He gets up and starts looking around.

"We're not getting in trouble if you do something," Mike says. "Just don't."

"He obviously trusted us. Don't ruin it," I tell Tre.

"We have five minutes," he says.

He starts opening drawers and pulls out random objects.  
"Stop it!" I say taking them and putting them back. I sit back down with Mike while Tre still looks around. 

"Well, look what we have here!" Mike and I didn't even bother to look at Tre.

"So, want to have a nice chat tonight?" I ask. "Catch up?"

"Yeah. Being alone makes me lonely obviously. It made everything worse."

"I am sorry again," I say. "About that night they thought you hit me."

"Don't worry Billie. Like it said, let's forget about it. It's fine. But really, who was it?"

"I told you. You can't tell anyone but it was Jimmy! My old friend! He's hiding around somewhere here."

Mike looked at my funny and was about to say something but we were interrupted by Tre yelling. He never did that.

He look back at him and he looks terrified. He's holding a manila folder with his name on it.

"Tre put that away!" Mike yells going over to him. He tries taking it out of Tre's hands but it slips and opens up. I see why Tre was terrified.

"I-I know why I'm here," he whispers before fainting.

Mike and I catch him but we happen to see what was in his file. A newspaper heading from about five months ago with a picture of Tre.

Sixteen-year-old boy, Frank Wright III, murders father by committing arson.


	9. Chapter 9

Pay attention, this is an important chapter

Billie's P.O.V.

Mike and I don't know what to do. Dr. White would be here any minute. We were just as shocked as him. This sweet hyper and happy blonde kid was a murderer? There must be a mistake. There was no way Tre could be capable of that!

"What do we do!" I say lightly slapping Tre's cheek.

"I don't know!"

We're still holding Tre. I have the urge to read the article but that's his information. I don't know if I want to learn what happened. Who was Frank? He looked just like Tre. Same person? Tre might just be his nickname I guess. Maybe this is some misunderstanding? But murder!? How!

We just freeze. We really don't know what to do! Wait- the file! I quickly shove the papers back in and put it in the drawer where I see other files. I so badly want to look at mine now but there's no time.

We drag Tre and just as Dr. White opens the door.

"Hi boys." Then he sees Tre slumped over in Mike's arms.

"What happened?"

Mike and I exchanged a look. Who should tell him? Should we tell him? Should we lie?

"Boys?" He goes over to Tre and checks his pulse. "He seems fine."

"He just said he was tired," says Mike.

"Hmmm." As always, it was hard to tell if that was serious.

"Ok, well I'll let Tre sleep here until he wakes up. You boys go do what you do. And forget these past weeks have happened."

Mike and I walk out and go back to our room now. 

"Was that the right move?" I ask Mike.

"Well, I hope so. What happens when he wakes up? What if we broke him?"

"Geez, I hope not."

—-

It's now dinner time and we're in our usual spot. We see Tre come. He looks the same but as if he had some invisible mask on.

He sat down silently and started eating without saying anything. 

"Tre? Do you-"

"I'm not talking about it," he says fast.

"Ok."

"But does Dr. White know?"

"Not yet," Tre says. "I said I'm not talking about it."

"Do you think he'll find out?" 

"Shut up." That's the first time I've ever heard him aggressive. It actually hurt. So many parts of the puzzle were missing.

During cleanup, Tre just left and didn't say anything. Mike and I went back to the room and got ready. Lights out, and we were talking.

"Mike. Please. Just listen to me. Jimmy is going to come around midnight. He- makes me do things."

"Let's alert the doctors."

"No. You can't Mike. That's the thing. He'll reveal a secret he knows. I don't know how he knows, but he does. I can't tell anyone."

"What is it? You can tell me. Trust me," he says.

"I just can't," I repeat.

"What does he make you do? Masturbate?"

"Oh god no. Well, it's kinda my fault. I want uh- to die, but obviously but- at the same time, I don't want to die, so- he blackmails me to do something. I mean it's techncislly s favor but he blackmails the secret."

"You're not making any sense," Mike says.

"Ok. ok. He just makes me do this." I start pulling down my pants.

"What the fuck Billie. If it is masturbation, I don't want to see."

"No! Look dumbass." It's dim but there's enough light to see all the scars. Mike gasps. 

"Billie how? Where? How could you? I think I should report you!"

"No Mike! Stop! Please! See, this is why I don't open up." I pull my pants back up and cover myself under the sheets.

"Well, what about Jimmy? How have they not caught him?"

"I really don't know! I'm surprised! The security camera guy sucks. Also, he's very violent." I sob. Again. As I always do. 'Cause I'm a baby. I'm stupid and I whine too much.

"What should I do when he comes?" Mike asks. I don't want him hurting me.

"I don't know, now that I think about it. Just pretend to sleep and listen."

We talked for a couple more hours until I told mike it should be soon so he pretended to sleep.

"Don't actually snooze," I tease. But I'm nervous at the same time.

As I do, I hear the door open. The light footstep pattern of Jimmy is heard. I've memorized it by now. The door closes again and the small light from the digital clock high on the wall glows on him. As always I see the outline of him.

"Hello Billie. Let's get rid of the pain as you always do." I want to. I don't mind. I'm confused. All my feelings are mixed up.

"Not this time," I say. "Let's skip tonight. Just leave."

"Oh no. This isn't how it works BJ. Get the fucking blade or else I tell everyone how it's been more than a month you haven't been taking your pills."

I want to scream fuck you but I don't want to get punched in my already ugly face so I take the blade. My hands are shaking as I reach for my pants.

"There's too many. Let's take it up a step."

"What?"

"Do your wrist."

"But I don't want to die."

"Dumbshit. That's what you are. It's not gonna kill you! A few horizontal slashes won't. You don't even have to go that deep. Yet."

That's new. I've always viewed my wrists as sensitive. This would hurt. I turn towards the wall but Jimmy is hovering over me. That son of a bitch.

I take the blade and quickly make three slashes. I think I did too much shit, the blood starts slowly pouring out. No! Why? I used to control it! They'll find out! I drop the blade and cry.

"Go away," I tell Jimmy.

"Nah. I'm gonna wait." He just stands in the corner near the hallway. Dickhead.

"Billie?" Asks Mike. He's looking at me. Is he- crying? I thought I heard it in his voice.

"What?" I ask getting some paper towels from the bathroom and putting pressure. I give a yelp at the pain.

"You need help." He sounds scared.

"Mike! Jimmy is going to attack you or something!"

Mike ignores me and takes off his shirt and wraps it around my arm. He makes it somewhat tight.

"Ow! Mike!"

"Billie. I'm trying to help you," he says through tears. He turns the bathroom light on and I see him shirtless for the first time. Holy fuck he looks like the skeleton in Jimmy's basement. How is he alive still?

"Mike, but you. You're so-"

"Unhealthy and skinny? Yeah I know. But you're cutting. You need help at this moment." He still holds the shirt. Can you walk with me to the nurses hospital section? Where they can patch you up?"

"But Jimmy! Mike! You don't know him! He's dangerous."

"Billie. The only person dangerous right now is you to yourself."

Why is Mike ignoring Jimmy? I turn to see Jimmy smirking.

"What the fuck you looking at?" I ask him.

"Billie." Mike repeats my name again.

"What?!"

"Come with me." He somehow lifts me up and half drags me down the hallway. Jimmy is following close behind.

"Mike!"

He keeps moving.

"Mike!" That's when I break from his grip. He's not that strong anyway. But I've nowhere to go. Jimmy is one direction, mike is the other. Shit. What do I do?

Jimmy is coming closer. He has the blade. "You fucked up Billie."

"No," I'm having another panic attack. Fuck. Not now! And my fucking arm is still bleeding into the shirt.

Mike comes anyway and hugs me again as I slump to the floor with him.

"Stop. I'm getting blood on you," I say.

"It doesn't matter. Just breathe. I love you Billie Joe."

What? Did Mike just say he loves me? So much is going on! But I can't calm down as Jimmy is approaching faster.

"Mike! Get up! Jimmy is coming!"

"Billie. I don't know if I should tell you."

"What?!" I don't think I have time for a make out session. Jimmy is coming down across the hallway.

"Jimmy is not-"

"Is not what?" I DONT have time for this. He's not gay? He left? Well he's still fucking here."

I get up and bolt to the end of the hallway with mike following and jimmy. They're both sprinting. Shit, I've made it to a dead end. There's a door but it's staff only. I start banging on it and I think someone hears me. It's only seconds before Mike and Jimmy come. I see them both come towards me. Then I turn around to hear a voice of a nurse. She looks me in the eye then says into some sort of mic, "Code red. Bring the sedative."

She grips my good arm and shoulder and slowly pins me down. Jesus. Is she a wrestler? A couple more come and hold me still. I feel trapped! I can't move and where is Jimmy and Mike. I feel like I'm suffocating.

Then another nurse comes with a needle.

"No!" I shout.

"Billie we need you to calm down." I hear that too often. Fuck that. Then I feel the prick as my body goes limp and my eyes close.

——

My eyes open and this time I'm somewhat strapped to the bed. Dr. Asshole is waiting for me.

"I've been here too many times," I mutter. My arm is all bandaged up and I have an oxygen mask on. Fuck asthma. Or maybe I just needed it. Who knows? When will I breathe on my own? I'm like a child looking off in the horizon. I'm like an ambulance that's turning on the sirens. I'm still alive. That's how I felt but I must be on pain killers because I don't really feel anything.

"Billie. Why?" Is all he says. He sighs and looks down. He's upset?

"Um- I-"

"Everytime I think you get better, you don't. But that's alright. I found out what happened. Mike told me."

Ugh. "He wasn't supposed to say it!"

"Billie, this might be hard to accept but-"

"But what? Yeah, I know. Next week is my birthday and I'm not getting out."

"Yeah but also-"

"Also I'm fucking pissed off. Where's Mike? I want to see him."

"You'll see him after I clarify some things. You see, so many things are going on right now, including with other patients." Does he mean Tre? Whatever, that's not the focus right now.

"Mike told me about Jimmy." Oh shit. Don't freak out. I start breathing heavily. "Don't worry," he says. It sounded sincere.

"Wait, you caught him? What did he say? I'm fucked."

"Not exactly," Dr. White says.

"Don't interrupt me." Let me be clear.

My mind raced forever thinking what could've happened? Wait, did Jimmy hurt mike? Am I going to die? When am I going home? Why can't i be perfect? Why am I this way? I think of the words Mike said to me earlier. 

"The only person dangerous to you right now is yourself."

I repeat that phrase in my head.

"Billie, I don't want you getting upset. And no- everyone is ok. Nothing happened to Mike." That's a relief. So what the fuck is going on with Jimmy.

"Billie, it's somewhat my fault. I thought you were taking your pills. I found them all. It's so many Billie. Why?" Again he sounded so disappointed in me.

Fuck Jimmy and his tattling ass.

"Jimmy told you right? Where is he. I'm gonna kick his ass."

"No Billie. I decided to look in your room after I saw the cuts. It's partly my fault. I should've looked sooner."

"But where is Jimmy? If you know about him?"

"Not taking medication has a big effect doesn't it?"

"Nothing else changed besides a few more panic attacks," I reply sincerely.

"A couple months ago before you came here, shortly after your father died, you befriended Jimmy."

"I know." Where was he going?

"You did some bad things because apparently he told you to. Which I why I assume you cut so much. Even your leg. He came back here."

"Wait you saw my legs?"

"Mike told me. It was a good thing. Don't get angry at Mike. You can blame it all on me."

"Ok but so what about Jimmy? Continue." I'm eager.

"During a session with Tre a month ago, he told me when you talked to Jimmy, he hung up."

"Yeah. That was rude of him."

"I checked the logs. He didn't."

"So the point is? Just fucking tell me!"

"You're going to freak out again. I know that Billie."

"I'm prepared," I say.

"After your father died, you met Jimmy," he repeats. He pauses thinking I'll interrupt but I don't. He continues. "You were so depressed and saddened by his death that you met him to take away the pain. The drugs and alcohol did work for you. Then he told you to meet your father. You agreed. So far it seems like Jimmy is in charge of you, right?"

I nod.

"Then after your attempt, you ended up here. Things were going well. Now I realize you must've gotten worse because you stopped taking the pills. And by the way, we will be checking more now." 

I roll my eyes. "Ok, please just tell me!"

"Jimmy started visiting you again. You thought he broke in and hid. He must've blackmilaed hou with a secret, and I pieced it together. He made you forget your pain by harming or else he would tell about you not taking your medication. But you also somewhat enjoyed it until it got a bit far out of hand. And we ended up here."

"Ok. There was no fucking point. Bye." I realized I can't really move from this bed so I just groan.

"Billie." He says my name too many times.

"What?"

"Do you know what schizophrenia is?''

"I've somewhat heard of it. It's where you see things that aren't there right?"

"For some people, yes. You developed it after your father passed away. Your subconscious couldn't handle the pain. You created Jimmy because he was what you wanted to be. He was cool and didn't have any worries. But things took a turn when your mind decided to lead you to your situation here."

You mean my attempt? This mental hospital torture? Geez, just say it. It's not like a banned word. "Wait. I have it? What? No!?" Is all I say because, what the fuck?!

Then Dr. White tells me words I would never forget.

"Jimmy isn't real."

I typed this all on my iPad. It took forever! But ooooooooooooh noooo! Follow my social media to connect with me


	10. Chapter 10

Billie's P.O.V.

Well, what do I say? I'm crazy. Everyone around me is crazy, except maybe Mike. I am in a nuthouse after all. Why didn't anyone tell me before? I had so many questions that I was too lazy to find the answer to. I'm insane. Everything is falling apart. I can assure you, it's not going to get better.

I really fucking hate life. What happened to my "Normal" just a year ago? I was happy. I never had to worry about a thing. I could just hang out with my siblings laughing and all.

And fuck school. Fuck everything. I keep saying I'm done. It is all my fault. I could scream so much. I wanted to. But if I scream here, they think you're insane. One time Jimmy took me to an empty shed and we locked it and he said I can scream as loud as I can. It felt good. 

Jimmy is obviously real. Dr. White just somehow got rid of him but obviously he was so,where there. Dr. White told me if I take my pills, Jimmy won't harm me anymore.

I liked the pain by now and I felt so numb without anything. My scars were already healing. Three days until my birthday. I was not excited. I was going to be seventeen. And it's in here. What do they do in a fucking place like this? Maybe they'll let me skip my pills. 

The only thing that's good again is weekly playing instruments with Mike and Tre.

Today went on like normal except- it wasn't totally normal. At least Mike was honest with me.

"Billie, they want me to watch you when you sleep. They would put you in a separate room but they trust me to "monitor" you. They told me not to tell you obviously, but you know, ya gotta know."  
"Thanks Mike. I don't know what I would do in here if I didn't have you or Tre. Speaking of, what is with him?"

"Yeah about that..." started Mike. "Dr. White said he was going to tell us three something important. He said to tell you.

"Shit."

——

Right after group therapy, Dr. White invited us three into his office. We all sit in a row facing him. Tre kept staring at me. Despite him being a friend, he always for an unusually long time would stare at me.

Mike lightly slapped his cheek and he looked forward.

"Mike."

"Sorry."

"Do you know why you three are here?" He asks. "I'll wait."

The worst is when adults catch you for something and they wait for you to say it. We all must've looked guilty. He knows about Tre's file.

We're all sweating. The silence is killing us. Literal five minutes pass by. It feels like a few hours.

"Um, can I have some fish?" Tre asks trying to crack a joke. I give out a small laugh but it's still awkward.

"Do you boys know why you're here? In fact, you know why you're here."

"Mmmm, I don't know," says Tre.

"Really?" He opens the right drawer. Shit. He's pulling out the evenlope. Suddenly I start coughing because I must've choked on my own saliva.

"I trusted you boys in my office. Obviously you're young. You were bound to look around. But I disappointed you opened up my desk drawers and opened up the envelope within it."

"Uh, how'd you know?" Asked Tre smiling nervously.

"Well you were the only ones I let in. And the file was all shoved back sloppily inside."

"Sorry," we all mutter in unison.

"I don't really mind," he says. "But like I said, you looked even further which upsets me." I recall the magazine article with Tre's innocent face.

"Um, sorry," I keep saying.

"Ok. Mike and Billie, please step out of the room." He sounded pissed. Maybe he was just tired.

We start to get up. None of us say a word. We pat Tre's back as we leave.

We go back to our room.

"Maybe we should've stayed," I say running my finger along the lines in the wall. "What if Dr. White was testing us? We left Tre all alone in there."

"I think maybe it's private. What he's telling Tre. Shit, I hope he's okay." Mike was getting angry.

"Let's listen," I say.

"What? That's not really good," Mike says. "It's not really our business."

"Well Tre is our friend. He needs out backs," I argue.

"You can. I'm not," he says firmly.

"Fine. I'm not going." We both sit on own our beds bored as usual, counting cracks in the wall or staring at the clock.

It's lunchtime and as we go to the cafeteria, Dr. White's door is closed but it didn't say busy. Where was Tre? We were going to keep walking but we heard something down the hall from the instruments room. It sounded like talking. That was odd. We were going to play later today but we quietly round the corner and walk right in. We saw two police officers and Dr. White standing in front of Tre who was spinning around in the chair that was in the room.

We stayed around the corner in the dark for a little bit to listen in.

"I'm Officer Matika," he says.

"And I'm Officer Sobrante." the other one says.

"Ok," says Tre spinning around still.

"Tre. Please show respect for these gentlemen."

"I'm hungry. I also have to play in here later with my friends," he says.

"Kid, listen. This is important."

"What is?" he asks. "That boy in the news wasn't me."

"This is what we're talking about Frank Wright."

"I'm not Frank. I'm Tre!" he says.

"Well, tell me, do you remember anything about this?"

Tre paused for a bit. He looked like he was spacing out. "Uh, wait a second-" He was thinking. Silence was filling the room and then Dr. White said, "Tre, why did you faint when you saw the article?"

"I don't know. Don't remember." He sounded sincere.

"Maybe this will jog your memory." He brings in a computer and puts on a video. "We were going to wait for you to get your memory back by yourself but since this happened, it had to be reported.

"Look, I'm confused," Tre says. "Who is Frank and why am I involved? Is he like some cousin, a secret twin I have?"

"Watch the video."

"We should get to lunch," Mike says.   
"Just wait." I whisper still watching. We could hear the audio from the computer.

"Breaking news. Teenage boy named Frank Edwin Wright III, was arrested this morning. In an apparent murder, he locked his father in the house and burned it down before running away. Shortly after he was found. The police tackled him because he refused to stop. 

Clips of Tre running were shown. Mike and I scooted a bit closer before hiding behind the amps. My eyesight was terrible but Mike told me it was just footage of him running.

Tre was watching intently.

"After he got handcuffed and arrested, police told him his rights. After some evaluation, it seemed like somehow he forgot everything. Further meetings with a psychiatrist led a conclusion. Frank Wright would not be appearing in court because he was not guilty by insanity. This teenage boy was found to have dissociative identity disorder. Later we found out that he was sexually abused by his father which caused the trauma.

Currently he is in a local mental institution. They say if he remembers, he will be brought back to court again and the case will re open.

"Holy fuck," I say. "Let's go to the cafeteria." We make our way silently and grab our food and sit down in our usual spot but without Tre.

We keep a low whisper.

"Geez, it's our fault for not stopping him more," I say. "No. It's not our fault. I'ts my fault."

"No, it's mine as well. We should've stopped him. We can't change the past. There's just too many regrets that people can't fix." Mike's words were true. I thought about it. For some reason, my mind couldn't stay off everything I did in the past that was terrible. Yeah i know. I keep repeating myself, but my mind goes in circles and never stops.

I finish my lunch, Mike of course by now, I just ignore that he doesn't do anything. What could I do?

That afternoon Mike and I waited patiently for Tre to arrive in the music room. A few random nurses were in there just watching us as we sat and waited. 

"Maybe he's not coming," I say.

"We need him."

"I know."

I start coming up with some random riffs for my song while I'm waiting. Mike joins in instantly.

"I came up with these lyrics. It's a song about Tre," I say. "Tell me what you think." My memory sucks because I hadn't written them down but I quickly scribbled some lyrics and read them to Mike.

"I've been wasted  
Pills and alcohol  
I've been chasing  
Down the pool halls  
Then I drank the water  
From a hurricane  
And I set a fire  
Just to see the flame

Well I - I just want to see the light  
And I - I don't want to lose my sight  
Well I - I just want to see the light  
And I need to know what's worth the fight"

"That's great. Really Billie. You're so talented."

"Yeah, thanks Mike. You too. When we get out, we're making a band. And yes, with Tre still."

"I wish," Mike said. "Don't get your hopes up. I don't know about my future."

"Mike, please don't say that. It makes me upset. We are going to get out. We will get better."

"Yeah, well look how that's been going lately," he says taking the bass off and setting it down. He sits down at the drums and picks up the sticks and does a simple beat. He then gets back up and we wait.

Finally, it's ten minutes left but Tre comes in. He looks- terrible. His fluffy blonde hair is messed up and he looks like he's been crying but he was still smiling for us.

"Hey," he says sitting down. "Sorry I'm late. Did you try the apple pie today? It was good but the officers talking to me wouldn't let me go." He takes the sticks. "Let's start."

"No. You can't just act like everything is normal," Mike says.

"Well Mike, what do you want to hear?" Tre looked serious again.

"Well we wanted to apologize for not stopping you. This was a mess. We overheard the conversation."

"Yeah. That's fine. I really don't mind."

"Tre, tell us." I say.

"Guys." He sighs and then looks down. "They're transferring me after tomorrow. Dr. White said it'd be fine to spend my last day here for your birthday Billie." 

"What?!" I'm very angry right now. He's a great friend. I don't know why, I kind of have feelings for him. He's so sweet. I'll miss him. "You can't!" I say. "We're friends! We have to start a band!"

"I know. I'm sorry Billie. I'm a murderer," he says.

"It's not your fault," Mike says. "What your father did."

"Don't." Tre snaps back fast.

"So you're going to court? Jail?"

"They want to have another trial with me. They still think I'm not sane enough but I'm going again. Then if I'm found insane still, I go to some other insane nuthouse that's even nuttier. If I'm innocent, well- i'm not. So i dunno. Sorry. I love you both."

Mike goes over to Tre and hugs him tight. It's a sincere hug. I can see Tre look surprised but Mike looks like he's about to burst into tears. I get it because they've known each other longer. There were so many mixed feelings all around us. Who loved who the most? I don't know. But we were a trio. We stay together. This is going to be hard.

We played until we were too tired. There was no talking. Just having a fun time jamming together. It was going to be our last and it had to be memorable. It wasn't so much fun because there was melancholy all around.

We were literally all crying as I played a song I wrote called Whatsername. During the bridge, I just couldn't keep it together. We all stopped and wrapped things up. Tre said goodbye to the drum kit and we split until dinner time.

After dinner, we said goodnight to Tre as he went off into his own room. Now I understood why he had his own. He was a pyromaniac. He was a killer. But how?! How!? How could this cute blonde boy with an adorable voice do that? Oh well.

One more day with Tre. I couldn't believe he was leaving. It was my fault. I wish Jimmy was here. I could use some drugs, alcohol or a razor now.

That night I could sense Mike watching me. I cared for him. I miss that night he slept with me until I calmed down. I want that feeling again. But he was doing this for a good reason. To make sure I didn't do anything "harmful" according to Dr. White.

"Mike," I say.

"Yeah Billie?"

"Do you love Tre?"

"What?"

"I see the way you look at him."

"I know. I do. But now, I don't know if I can after what he's done. Gosh."

I liked Mike. How do I tell him?

"Do you like me?" I ask.

"Yeah, as a friend."

As a friend? That hurt. I loved Mike, Mike loved Tre, and Tre- well-

"Tre told me he likes you," Mike says. "I don't know why."

"Oh Shit. It's a love triangle. Because I like you Mike."

"W-what. You- you do?" Mike sounded surprised.

"Yeah. Don't worry about it. I guess we're just stupid teenagers confused with our feelings and sexuality. Eventually we'll move on."

"I don't like that. I don't like the future. I'm scared," Mike confesses.

"Me too. But we'll get out. Just the two of us I guess. We can still have our band."

"It's not the same," he says.

I don't know what else to say so I just go to bed. Tomorrow is my birthday but also the last day with my friend Tre. It's going to be an emotional day.


	11. Chapter 11

Billie's P.O.V.

Today is my birthday, but also Tre's last day. And something else would happen that I never would've guessed.

I wake up with Mike standing over me.

"Happy birthday," he says. For some reason he doesn't sound excited. I know he is. By now I know Mike. I know he's hiding something.

"Thanks," I say.

We get up and go to breakfast. Tre is already there. He gets up and gives me the tightest hug ever. I think he's going to break my ribs.

"Happy Birthday Billie. I l- I'll miss you."

"Yeah." We settle down, then I tell Tre, "I know about our love triangle going on."

"Mmmm. Well, I guess we can't stay together." he sounded disapointed. Then he takes his cookie and secretly hands it to me. So does Mike.

"Your birthday gift. Eat it fast," he says.

"Aww. Thanks," I say taking the cookies. They're so dry but they tasted good.

We're all holding back tears. We know Tre is leaving. It's feels like when my dog died, but this time it's worse. 

"So, what's new?" I ask to lighten the tension.

"I don't know."

"Billie, I'm leaving after lunch."

"Oh." That meant no recreation time with him. Right now and lunch is the last time I would talk to him before. Because I also had my personal therapy with Dr. White. God. I just fucking will miss him.

After breakfast, I sit around in my room with Tre. The nurses took Mike for his random appointments. I have to go to Dr. White soon anyway but I need to be with Tre as much as possible.

"Come here Billie," he says. I come over and he shocks me. He leans in and kisses me. His blonde hair that was growing out brushes against my forehead. He brings both his hands around my neck. At first I'm scared because I think he'll do something. I tense up but then I let him kiss me for a while until he slowly stops and pulls back.

"Happy birthday."

"Wow." I'm shocked. "You're uh, a good kisser," I say.

"Thanks Billie. I hope to see you in the future." He smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen. He's so dorky.

"You're an amazing friend," I say. "I don't- I know, I mean-" I stuttered on what to say. He was a murderer! He was insane! But he was also a best friend.

I looked at the clock. "I have to go to Dr. White. I'll see you at lunch," I say sadly. 

"You too," he says.

I walk to Dr. White's office and sit down.

"Happy birthday Billie Joe," he says. 

"Thanks," I mutter.

"So, tell me how you feel."

"Terrible. It's my birthday. I'm stuck in an asylum. Tre is leaving. I'm annoyed." I just say it in one breathe.

"It's not an asylum, but I understand why you feel that way."

"Yeah." I snap back. "When am I getting out?"

"Well, if you continue doing well, take your medication, attend the required therapy, engage in activities, then you can."

"Jesus fuck."

"Language."

"Eh."

"This is why you are still here."

"Yeah. Well this is the worst fucking birthday ever! My father is probably disappointed at me. He's thinking, "Oh Billie. What happened?" And you know, it's my family's fault. The last thing he said before he died, "Take care of Billie Joe." That's fucking tragic! Ugh!

I look around for the plant I can kick but I see Dr. White removed it. He gives me a look.

"So uh, well, I'll miss Tre."

"Yeah. He was a great friend wasn't he?"

"Yeah. It's my fault. We didn't stop him from grabbing the files."

"No. I guess in a way everyone contributed to it. He'll get the help he needs."

"I'll never forget him," I say looking down. A feel a tear come to my eye.

"Do you have more feelings for him?"

"Um. Well I don't tell you things because I don't trust the confidentiality thing," I say.

"Billie, you can. It's law unless you absolutely are in danger."

I'm going to be in this shit house a while. Maybe it is time to open up. Maybe I can change. "Well, I like Mike. A lot. But it's complicated. He likes, Tre, and Tre likes me. It's a messed up triangle."

"Oh." I think Dr. White didn't know what to say.

"We three had a strong friendship, and by removing Tre, this makes it worse."

"I'm sorry Billie but there is nothing I can do. Tre is involved with law now. There are certain measures that have to be taken."

"Yeah. I know. What does it matter." I obviously sound like I'm going to cry. Fuck, I hate when that happens. It makes me look weak.

"You've been taking your medication. That's a good sign," he says changing the topic.

"Mhmm."

"Well Billie, today is not the best it can be, but you can make it an amazing birthday if you want to."

"That's the equivalent of telling someone on a bridge 'don't jump'" I say.

"No its not Billie. I'm being serious."

"Uh-huh." We sit in silence again. I hate the silence. This means he's waiting for me to talk again. "Is there anyway, you know, I could- uh- you know, help Mike?"

"Well Billie, it really is up to him. How do you think you can help?"

"Tell him to shove food in his mouth. I dunno."

Dr. White gives me another serious disapproving look. "Billie."

"Dr. White."

He gives a big huff and sits up straight and looks me in the eye. It makes me uncomfortable so I look away. "Look at me Billie. I've kept my patience with you. I'm trying to help you. It's great you want to help Mike too. But if you want to recover, you have to be serious!"

I feel taken aback. He lashed out at me! When adults do that, it just making makes me weak. I hold back tears. My bangs are really long now so I cover my eyes.

"You're dismissed Billie. Go have fun the rest of the day. Tell Mike and Tre you can play one last time before lunch."

My head perks up. I have to thank him. "Really? Oh my gosh! Thank you so much!" I run out the door and find Tre and Mike in the room.

"What's the rush?" he asks.

I look at Mike. He's kinda sad to look at, at this point but they looked guilty of something? Who knows. It's not my business.

"Dr. White said we can play one last time until lunch. That leaves us with an hour."

"Oh that's awesome!" Tre says. "I thought last time was our last! Let's go make some music!"

"Wait," I say. "Is it alright, if I play, um, one last song I wrote? It's acoustic."

"Oh sure. Is it okay if it's the last song?" Tre asks.

"Yeah. Best for last," Mike replies.

"Sure."

We go to the room and setup as quickly as we can. I can feel the emotions again. Last time we cried so much thinking it was our last, but knowing this was actually our last and Tre was leaving after lunch made it ten times more emotional. 

During that hour, we played about seven songs I wrote. They were all sappy and sad though. We needed to play what we felt.

"With every breath that I am worth  
Here on Earth  
I'm sending all my love to you  
So if you dare to second guess  
You can rest assure  
That all my love's for you"

We finished Last Night on Earth and I see Mike wipe his eyes on his shirt. So does Tre. Tre never cries.

"Ok. Time for the last song," I say grabbing the acoustic guitar as Tre and Mike sit down on the amp in front of me. "It uh- can have many meanings, but for you Tre, this is a good meaning. It's called Time of Your Life. (don't tell me it's not called that, for story purposes it's not good riddance. i know my factzzz)

I start strumming. "Another turning point a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go." I can already feel my tears forming. I try so hard to keep it together and I do. I see Mike and Tre crying as well.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right, I hope you had the time of your life." I totally messed up that last line so much. I was literally crying so much it felt like I was in a rain storm. 

I must've looked terrible but we all hugged each other so tight. It was time for lunch. We looked at the instruments one last time. This really was the last time.

All of us, tear stained took our food and sat down. Other patients were looking at us but by now I've ignored the stares.

They didn't know Tre was leaving, but it wasn't like they would notice either. It would be just me and Mike now. Strange times.

We didn't want anyone else hearing our conversations so we sat in silence for thirty minutes. Mike was just staring off into space the entire time. I was concerned. He was looking terrible each day. His innocent eyes always looked sad as if there was a secret he would never tell anyone.

Before we knew it, lunch was over. Tre was going to leave. We waited until the place was somewhat cleared. That's when a few nurses, and some officers along with Dr. White came and waited.

"I gotta go guys," he says giving his goofy grin. Mike went up to him first and they embraced in a long hug. 

"I'll never forget you," Mike says.

"You too bro," Tre replies.

Then it was my turn.

My tears started instantly. He got up but I held his arm.

"Don't go Tre," I say tugging on him. "I don't want to lose you, like my father. I know he died, but it's the same. I'll never see you again!"

That's why Tre looked like he was going to cry again. "I love you too Billie Joe." He tries to walk away but I don't let him. That's when I feel Mike pat my back.

"Billie, we have to let him go."

"No!" I shout hugging Tre tighter. Just my fucking luck, I see Dr. White give a nod to the nurses and they go over and try to pull Tre from me.

"Stop!" I scream through my tears. I still am holding on to Tre's shirt. What do I say? Is there anything I wanted to tell him? God, just these fucking couple of months made me feel like I've known him forever.

"Tre don't go!" I was still tugging on his shirt but the nurses were pulling me away. They pin me to the floor and all I can do is helplessly watch as the officers put Tre in handcuffs and escort him out.

He gives one last look, with his tear stained face, smiling and then he disappears around the corner.

The nurses let me go but I try to sneak past the door but it's closed. Through the small glass, I can still see Tre's back.

"Come back!" I scream as loud as I can. "Fuck!" He's finally gone. There aren't even any windows I could look out to see. He was an incredible friend! Why'd he have to go?

Geez. I need to calm down. I'm freaking out again.

I need to go to the cold shower again. I run and turn on the water again letting my warm tears mix in so I can't even tell if I'm crying again.

Yeah, I must be crazy, but I just start singing because in a way, it's my therapy. Everyone would laugh st me but I don't care. It's more of a murmur singing to myself.

"Remember, whatever. It seems like forever ago. And in the darkest night, if my memory serves me right, I'll never turn back time. Forgetting you, but not the time."

That's when I look up and I get startled. I see Dr. White.

"Creep," I tell him.

"Billie, you know you can't do this. You're going to get sick from the cold water." He had a nurse turn on the hot water for a few seconds until I was normal and then he handed me a towel. "Dry up. Change your clothes. Then just go talk with Mike. Write songs."

"It's not the same without Tre," I pout.

"I know Billie. But you have to move on. Don't dwell on the past."

I grunt and then dry up and put on new clothes. I come out to our room and see Mike. He's also sad looking. For someone bipolar, I'm surprised he's kept his cool.

"I don't want to talk right now," he says turning away. His voice is unsteady.

"Oh ok." He's the only one I like talking to. Dr. White is trash. Who do I have in life without Tre? Hopefully I can keep Mike.

—

That dinner, it feels empty without Tre and it's even weirder with Mike just staring at me while I eat. Even at night, he just went to bed early while I stared up at the ceiling thinking about what Tre is doing right now. What is my mom doing right now? Is she thinking of me? Is my dad looking down on me? Is he proud of me?

Eventually my eyelids get heavy and my thoughts slowly die as I go to sleep. It's nice to be able to sleep peacefully, especially without a dream. If it's not a nightmare, it's fine. But recently I've had lots of nightmares.

In my dream I was in the mountains in some clouds. It was beautiful. No one else was around. Just me, walking around feeling free. There was emptiness and sadness to it. Then I found a box. It was glowing. I walk toward it and as I open it, I see photographs. It's moments of my life with my father. I start crying so much. It felt real, because that's how dreams feel.

I scream "Daddy!" as it turns into dust fluttering away. That's when my dream takes a weird turn. It starts raining and it's gloomy everywhere. I hear talking? Screaming in the distance? What is that sound?

My eyes finally flutter open quickly as I sit up. It takes me a minute to realize what's happening.

"Billie!" Mike gasps. He turns his head toward me. In his eyes, I see fear.

Oh no! What will happen 😭😰

As always, thanks for reading! Comment, vote, idk just thanks for even clicking on this even if you ditch it.


	12. Chapter 12

(grab your tissues, or don't)

also there was an error with the last chapter, so if you read it, re-read it because i forgot to put in the ending and important details.

Billie's P.O.V.

I wake up startled to see Mike gasping. He looked terrified and in pain.

"Mike! What's the matter? Talk to me!" I get out of bed as fast as I can and go over to him. His eyes are closed tightly and he's wincing. His hands are over his heart. He scrunches up but reaches one hand out to me and squeezes it tightly.

"Help," he whispers.

"What is it? A nightmare? I'm here." I get onto his bed but he shakes his head. "No? Mike I'm getting scared. Please. Talk to me."

I'm starting to panic too. My whole shirt already feels like it's drenched in sweat. I feel so hot, i just am burning up. What is wrong with Mike?

"Is it a panic attack?" I ask him. It probably is. I'll just hug him. "I'll be right back." I say giving him a tight hug.

"Wait," he says in between breaths. "M-my, heart its- I can't breathe!"

"I'm getting you some cold water." I need to cool him down I start to get up as he says:

"I love you. Start a band when you get out. Stay alive."

"Mike, it's alright. You're worrying me." Why would he say this? I get it. He must just really miss Tre. It's his brain half awake talking.

I quickly go to the bathroom and take the cup, filling it with cold water.

I rush back to the room but Mike is on the floor. He's shaking. Shit. He's convulsing. Is he having a seizure? What the fuck. No!

I splash the water on him but it's no use. "Mike!" I slap his cheek lightly. What do I do? I've never dealt with this before! I grab the pillows and put them under his head as I hold him still. I don't know how the fuck to handle this. I hope I'm doing it right.

By now, Mike had started coughing up blood. "Holy fuck. Mike!" His blood got on me. I reall didn't know what to do.

"Help!" I scream as loud as I can. "Someone!" I cry onto his chest. Why is no one coming? I scream again and soon nurses come in.

"Oh my god." They get startled and one of them says some medical codes and words I don't understand into the radio.

"Billie honey, please move."

"No! I'm not leaving Mike!" I say still laying over him.

"Billie. Just stand aside." I get up and right away they start all that medical checking on him. I don't even know. I don't even want to look.

Mike stopped shaking after a few minutes and they started giving him oxygen. "Mike please be okay," I say crying. There were too many doctors crowded around him and suddenly the lights went on. I shielded my eyes for a second. 

That's when I heard a loud beep.

"Code blue! He's going into cardiac arrest. Start CPR."

Jesus fucking Christ. This isn't Grey's Anatomy! I need him to be alive!

"What exactly happened?" One of the paramedics asked me.

"Uh, well I woke up. H-he was- gasping and said something about his heart and he couldn't breathe. I thought it was a panic attack. I-I stepped away to-to get water and uh, I came back and he was having a seizure." I didn't want to fucking think about that right now.

Okay Billie. Think happy thought. But you can't! What if Mike dies! No, he's strong. He can't die.

They started doing the CPR and it had been three minutes. A few more and he might die. C'mon Michael Ryan Pritchard! Wake up!

"Any response?"

"No. Keep doing the compressions."

I just sat there looking at the clock and exchanging glances at Mike. I started biting, practically eating my fingers. What should I do? I still have blood all over my shirt and I'm a mess. Everything is a mess.

"It's been ten minutes."

"Still nothing?"

"No."

He's probably going to be brain dead soon. Who knows? What if he doesn't remember me? What if he has permanent damage?

Fifteen minutes pass.

Then twenty.

Then thirty.

The nurses are now crying. There might not be any hope for Mike. But there has to! I close my eyes and pray that everything is going to be okay. Inside me, I have a gut feeling that it won't. That's what upsets me.

It's thirty-five minutes now and I hear words that make me jump.

"I've got a pulse. It's weak but it's there."

Oh thank fucking god. Everyone was crying but he's alive is all that matters.

"Can you hear me Mike?" one of them asks.

"He's still unresponsive."

"Get him to the second floor."

The thing about this mental asylum is it's attached as a separate wing to the main hospital so at least he'll be nearby.

One of the nurses looks at me then whispers something to the other one. They talk for a while but then one of them comes up to me.

"Let's get you cleaned up sweetie."

"Is Mike gonna be okay?"

She avoided my question. That means he might not. I try so hard to keep in the tears again. It's that feeling when you just cried your heart out and finally regained your composure, but then you feel like it'll start all over again.

"Billie, change your clothes and then I'll bring you to the other floor to see Mike, okay?"

"Okay," I say. By now, Mike is gone. She leaves and I throw away my bloody shirt and change. I'm ruining all my clothes always. I put on my striped shirt with my black pant and other shirt over because that's what I wore the first day here.

"Mike's okay," I mutter to myself. I go outside and I almost run into Dr. White. He's just wearing a sweater and looks like he's in pajamas.

"Hi," I say. 

"Billie, I came as fast as I could. I heard what happened."

"Yeah," is all I manage to say. "Well, the nurse said I can go visit Mike, so..."

"Come with me," he says.

I follow him and I go out the double doors when he swipes his card. I probably look ridiculous walking to the other wing. It's still very late and it all feels surreal but nonetheless, I'm walking in the dimly lit empty hallways.

We eventually make it outside his room. There is a blind which is half open. We're about to go in but Dr. White stops me.

"Billie. This is hard to understand. You're going to get upset. I understand, but please don't curse, scream, or throw and kick anything."

Geez. This guy is getting on AGAIN! "What is it? He's alive!"

"Yes Billie, but -" He gets down on his knees so I'm looking down on him and pauses. Then he gives a big sigh.

"Mike isn't going to wake up."

No. This isn't true. What's going to happen? Do I want to see Mike? It'll just break my heart. But I have to say goodbye. Why does everyone close to me leave? It's just like my father. I can't live like this.

"Fuck!" I scream and I kick the wall.

"BIllie, what did I say." He didn't sound angry. He sounded like he had pity for me.

"Ugh!" I just collapse and sit down against the wall, my head in my hands.

"Mike is in a coma. They say he probably won't make it past noon later."

"But what if he-what if he does!"

"This is hard Billie. I understand. But also, his medical bills are expensive. His family can't pay."

"Fucking ridiculous! They're going to pull the plug? Have you heard? There are stories of people who survive!" I can't fucking believe this! 

"Billie. We know he's not going to make it. He won't wake up. Nothing we can do can fix his brain. It's slowly shutting off. His family will be here soon. You should say goodbye now. You won't see him again."

"You know, I'm shocked! How the fuck do you deal with all this?"

"I'm older Billie. I have hope in you."

"Yeah but why can't he survive? Can I help raise money?" I can't even talk anymore. I'm crying too much.

"I don't know if he told you. Mike was born on heroin and his biological mother gave him up for adoption when he was very young. This caused him to have a few pre-existing medical conditions. And the fact that he wasn't eating, didn't help. It's also proven, depression and too much stress can cause the heart to be unhealthy."

"So he died of a broken heart?"

"I guess you could say that."

"He kept it all inside," I say. "I should've done something."

"What if you say goodbye to Mike and then get some sleep? It's still 4:00 a.m."

"I don't know if I'm ready you know?" My brand new shirt again is drenched in snot and tears. "But it's like- its like- I have to do it now, but I want to wait ya know?"

"Yes. I think you should go now."

"Yeah but why didn't you fucking do anything," I lash out. "You knew he was fucking anorexic. You didn't feed him enough!"

"We did Billie. But like I said, it's his underlying health conditions that didn't help."

"Well- fuck!"

I get up and put my hand on the door handle. Do I want to go in? It's the last time I'll see him.

"I'll leave you alone for ten minutes," he says.

I nod and I eventually pull the handle and go inside. The dim lights are on. It's just me and him. I look at him. He's so peaceful looking but he still has a million wires attached to him.

"Maybe you can hear me," I say. "You aren't 100% brain dead yet. I uh, heard rumors that the last thing that shuts of is hearing... so, if you can hear me. I love you too. I loved you so much. And Tre. I just, we were the best trio. It sucks that it had to end this way." I look at his heart rate. It's very ever slightly decreasing.

"It makes sense. The last words you told me: 'I love you. Start a band when you get out. Stay alive.' You knew you were going to die." I choked back tears again but I just gave up. I leaned over him and cried on his stomach.

I didn't have much time.

"I don't want you to leave. But you'll be in a better place. Do me a favor? Ask- ask my- f-father about me. Okay?" 

I still couldn't believe this was happening to me. First Tre, then Mike. Who's next? I have no one here. I want to go home. But now I don't think I will. I need pain. Maybe I should just join my father and Mike.

"Maybe I should join you." I wipe my tears again. My time is almost up.

Then a miracle happens. I still remember it. I feel Mike's hand brush my hair and fall on my cheek for a second. I swear, it happened. I look up but he's still peacefully sleeping with his eyes closed.  
"Mike? Can you hear me?" I'm building up hope that will just fall down again.

"Well, my time is almost up. So is yours. I don't want it to. There's so much I could tell you. I don't know if I can keep your promise. I'll try. I love you Mike. I'll never forget you. I'll miss you forever." I kiss him softly and just as that happens, he flat lines. 

It all happened so fast and seemed in slo-motion. Dr. White came in. He pulled me away as nurses came in and closed the blinds. They pulled the plug. All I did was cry into Dr. White's coat. He didn't pull away. I needed someone. That's all I really remember.

No one believes me about his hand moving, but I know somewhere, he was listening. He was going to be seventeen in a few months as well. He was up in Heaven. At least he was there to protect me. I believe he's my guardian angel.

The only thing is, I realized how I could not live without him. Just like my father and Tre. The world is not worth living in without them.

What purpose do I have?

\--------------


	13. Chapter 13

-A month later-

Billie's P.O.V.

It hasn't been great at all. In fact, Dr. White said I'm not making progress. My mom finally came to visit.

"Billie. I heard everything that happened." We embraced in along hug. I hadn't hugged anyone in a month so it felt nice.

"I wanna go home," I whine to her.

"Billie Joe honey. Dr. White is taking good care of you. After everything that has happened, please Billie Joe. I want you to get better."

"I'll try mom," I say as I get up and leave.

Everyday sucks. I wake up alone. If I have a nightmare, no one is there to comfort me. Meal times are just as terrible. I have no one. I sit alone at the edge. No one even cares to talk to me. In fact, during group therapy, Dr. White announced Mike had died. No one really cared. Oh fuck, can I just have this pain end?

Last night I had a terrible dream. I didn't tell anyone. Not even Dr. White. I woke up thinking Mike was with me because he was in the dream. When I woke up, I realized he was gone. I had no one here.

All these events just led me to write my music more. In a way, it helped. I never got the courage to go back in the music room. I tried but it just felt too empty. So I would just hum the songs to myself.

Now I basically had an entire collection. I wrote a story about Jimmy. Dr. White said I need to forget him. How can I? He was interesting. We did have some amazing times. Now looking back, I wish I had killed myself. My father's death was painful enough. If I had been dead before, I wouldn't have had to suffer through Tre leaving and Mike dying. Who knows how different it would've been.

Maybe if I never came to the hospital, that wouldn't have happened. It probably wouldn't. It is all my fault. Fuck. It's my fault.

Only mine.

I knew what I needed to do.

Today was really going to be my last. I didn't mind. My mom has lived without me now. She's used to it. Me leaving will have no impact on anyone.

It's the last therapy session with Dr. White for me. I might as well open up and say shit. I don't care anymore.

"Hello Billie. How are you?" How fucking long have I been here? three months? All I fucking hear is this shit. I'm done.

"You what what Jason. I'm not o-fucking-kay."

"Dr. White please. Can you tell me why Billie?"

"Yeah. I'm done with everything. I can't fucking live without my father. I want Tre. I miss Mike. Fuck. Everything has been falling apart. Nothing is getting better. Did I ever get better? I don't think so. Proof asylums don't fucking help."

"Its not an asylum."

"What-fucking ever! The point is, well- I hate this place."

"Billie Joe. I really have hope you can get better. Can you try? I promise you it'll be so much better once you're out of here."

Yeah off the face of the fucking Earth. "Yeah, well I fucking wish I had survived my attempt. That was the whole point of it! To die! That's why people try to kill themselves. They don't do it for fucking attention and getting better. Because they've reached their worst. It can't get better. So they choose a way out."

"That's not true Billie."

"Well I fucking believe it. I fucking believe whatever I want. Okay?"

"Billie, why the sudden anger?"

Oh because I'm fucking finally killing myself tonight. "Because I can. And I will."

"Billie. It's good you're opening up to me. That's finally some progress. You had kept all your emotions in for so long."

"Yeah fuck." Shit. I'm gonna cry again. I cry way too much for a fucking punk teenage boy. I can feel the tears. Now my hair has gotten really messy and bushy you could say. It's crazy sometimes. I got a bandanna on exception so I could tie my hair out of the way. I took it off and covered my eyes with my hair and look down.

"Billie."

"Why do you fucking say my name before you say anything? Is it some reverse psychology trick?"

"Thank you for your time Billie."

That's my cue to leave. He must be really pissed. He's only ever dismissed me early a few times and that's when I give him hell.

I silently get up and go to my room without looking back. By now I have a whole notebook of songs.

\---

Wow. It's really night time. My heart is pounding. As soon as the door shuts, I breakdown for probably two hours if I had to guess. While it's still somewhat light, I pull out a sheet and write a suicide note. It takes up so much fucking space. I write down everything I'm feeling starting from September from my father's death.

It was way too long but in a summary, I stated why I wanted to go. I would visit Mike and my father. Maybe it was better. Who knows about Tre's fate. Eventually he'll join. I really wonder what Heaven is like. Or am I going to Hell?

It's time now. Everyone is asleep. Everything is so fuzzy and blurry and my heart is beating the fastest it ever has. I'm not kidding. I feel like I'm just going to die from my emotions instead. It's terrifying.

It feels like the equivalent of staring down a loaded gun. I shakily walk out the door and then I fucking realize I fucked up. I don't have a knife. I didn't even think how I was going to die.

I went into the storage closet behind the music room. It took me about ten minutes because I was being quiet. Everything felt so heavy and I thought I was going to collapse. It's a weird feeling when you're about to kill yourself.

It feels like drowning but there is no water. I make my way to the back. No. I look at the thick cable. Hanging is too extreme. But maybe... maybe it's going to work. Quick and easy with a snap of the neck.

God. My brain is so fucked up. Why do I think this?

I grab the rope with my shaky hands.

"What the fuck are you doing Billie. What the fuck!" I tell myself as I string it to the top and get a chair.

I take the noose and slip it around my neck. I'm shaking so much right now.

I just can't hold it in. I scream so loud. I need to take my pain away. The noose still hangs while I kick the chair and scream. The lights turn on and then Dr. White comes in. What the fuck is he doing here.

"Billie!" He sounds really concerned and he sees the noose. "Oh god."

He comes over to me and hugs me. Doctors aren't supposed to. But he does. It feels like when my father used to. I miss that.

"I'm sorry," I say crying into him.

"You're going to be okay."


	14. Chapter 14

-Ten years later-

I got better. It took time. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. I'm 27 now.

"So Billie, how was your day?" Dr. White asks me. He's still my therapist once a week. We became friends and never broke that bond. I don't feel bad at all anymore. Occasionally I still get hangovers. It's not like my anxiety or insomnia goes away but at least I don't want to kill myself anymore. My schizophrenia mostly disappeared as long as I take my medication which I do.

"Today was fucking great," I say smiling.

"I'm glad Billie. How's Adrienne?"

I have a wife now. She's the best woman I could ever ask for. I decided to step away from men after what happened a while ago. That doesn't change the fact that I'm still bi. Gosh, these past ten years, so much has changed. I have a son now. Can you believe that?

After I tried to kill myself, I spent another four months in the hospital. It was rough. But the day I left was the best day ever. 

"Don't come back Billie," Dr. White said laughing.

"Yeah well I'm seeing you every week."

I had a true smile on my face. But yep, he was still my therapist. I was okay with that. And I'm comfortable around him now.

—

I used to work at a convenience store. It was kind of like Home Depot. Then just a month ago I decided I needed a change. My wife also owned a store but I wanted something different. Especially I wanted my son to have an amazing life.

I applied for a job at the local guitar center. It was a nice big one. I could play, recommend guitars and help people out. I even would chat with young kids passionate about music. I loved my job. 

Dr. White said music has always helped me. I had taken a few years break but it benefits me. He's always right. He thinks it's amazing how he knew me as a teenager to now. He kept joking saying, "Someday Billie, you'll have your dream of being a punk-rockstar. Don't give up."

"Yeah. For my guitar center audience," I laugh.

Call it coincidence? Chance? Today the most amazing thing happened to me today. It was the ten year anniversary of Mike's death. I had visited him every year. I always go alone for a while so I can have alone time with him.

I was walking along the boulevard near East 12th Street. It was almost sunset. The cemetery sat somewhat upon a hill so I could look out. It felt cinematic. Just walking alone with the cold breeze. Ten years has gone so fast. I still visit my father every weekend but today was Mike's day. I may have only known him two months, but he was a brother to me. He changed me.

With the flowers in my hand, and my acoustic guitar in my other, I make my way to his headstone.

It read: In loving memory: Michael Ryan Pritchard. May 4, 1972-February 18, 1989. 

It was simple and not very expensive but it meant a lot to me. I set the flowers down.

"Hey. It's been ten years." I don't cry as often anymore at all. Maybe it's a good thing. Visiting my father makes me cry only when it's near September. I think I've accepted his death. Since I visit Mike not as often, his visits seem more emotional.

I can't help but still see the same image when he was almost seventeen. That night I held onto him. Then even in the hospital when I swore I could feel his hand brushing against me. I'd like to believe he knew I was there and he's watching over me now.

I feel the tears come again. It feels good to cry.

"I miss you so much." I wipe my tears on my sleeve. I'm wearing the same striped shirt that was covered in Mike's blood. It didn't really fit me anymore so I turned it into a bandanna. It's clean obviously but Dr. White still works at the hospital. Somehow it was cleaned but was left in the storage room which one no uses still. He found it. 

"You know, I wish I could've helped you. But I think you're in a better place. I love you." The sunset has started. It's truly something special.

"I uh, still remember out music sessions. I remeber everything. I have a whole notebook of lyrics and songs still. I've been writing more. I wrote this for you. It's called X-kid."

I place my fingers on the strings. I don't know if I can do it. I think I can.

Hey, little kid  
Did you wake up late one day and  
You're not so young, but you're still dumb  
And you're numb to your old glory but now it's gone

I fell in love, but it didn't catch your fall  
Then I crashed, into a wall  
Then I fell to pieces on the floor  
Now you're sick to death

Bombs away, here goes nothing  
The shouting's over  
Hey X-Kid, bombs away  
Here goes nothing  
The shouting's over and out  
Over and out again

I once was old enough  
To know better, man I was too young to care  
Many cares, probably would but  
Hollywood is dead and gone

You fell in love but then you just fell apart  
Like a kick in the head  
You're an X-Kid and you never even got started again

Bombs away, here goes nothing  
The shouting's over  
Hey X-Kid, bombs away  
Here goes nothing  
The shouting's over and out  
Over and out

And you were such a young soul  
And you got lost and out of control  
You went over the edge of joking  
Died of a broken heart

Hey, little kid  
Did you wake up late one day and  
You're not so young, but you're still dumb  
You're an X-Kid and you never even got started againBombs away, here goes nothing  
The shouting's over

Hey X-Kid, bombs away  
Here goes nothing  
The shouting's over

Over and out.

It was nightfall by the time I finished.

"Hope you liked it," I say. I give a smile. The type of smile that you're about to break into tears so you tell yourself it's okay. 

"I really don't know what else to say. But I know your watching over me. Thank you. Love you Mike." I lay down next to the headstone for a little bit and watch the stars. I see a shooting star.

It's definitely a sign. I put my hand on the grave one more time and walk back to the store to close up.

My co-worker knew what day it was so he didn't ask anything. I check everything, make sure it looks good, I hear someone come in.

"We close in twenty minutes," my coworker John says.

"Oh that's alright. I was just going to make a quick purchase..." I didn't really pay attention to him as I was still making sure the store was good.

Then he comes to the back near me. He was wearing a cap so I couldn't really see him. I was in the way so he said, "Excuse me."

"Oh. Sorry," I say moving out of the way.

He grabs a few pairs of sticks and then as he turns, I make eye contact for a second. He smiles then goes to the register.

I stop. He looks familiar. I shake it off and wait for him to leave. How could I know this man? I happen to listen in.

"So how long have you been playing the drums?" Josh asks the man making conversation.

"It's hard to remember. I'm told since I was twelve."

"Ah damn, you must be good then. When the store isn't closing, you should come in and play."

"Yeah, I live in the hills and mountains so I don't come here that often."

"That's cool."

"Yeah. Very cool." 

"Would you like a bag?" 

"Yes, that'd be great John," he says reading his nametag.

He takes his drumsticks and John is double checking the money and last receipts of the last day. I go to the back of the store to grab some picks when I hear John say, "Have a nice day Frank."

It all falls into place.

I run as fast as I can almost knocking over the instruments and tripping over the keyboard.

"Woah, Billie. Where are you going?"

"Which way did he go?" I ask.

"Why?"

"Just tell me!" I say halfway out the door.

"Left!"

I head out left. Dammit. It's rainng hard but I'm not worried about that right now. It can't be him, can it? I pause to look around but I don't see him. Then I see a car pulling out of the side of the street. It's on the other side. I had a feeling it was him. It had to be.

I run but his car is already at the intersection stop sign. I keep running as fast as my short legs can carry me.

I catch up and I'm on the sidewalk. His window is down.

"Tré!" I shout.

He turns his head. "Did I forget something?" He asks looking around.

"No. Tre, it's me Billie Joe!" I say.

"Sorry, I'm Frank. Who's Tre?" Now that I think about it, he still had that somewhat high voice that was very distinct.

"Wait. You don't remember me? Mike? Dr. White. The hospital?"

"Sorry uh, Billie. I don't remember any of my life before age 18. Something happened to me." The light was going to change any second. The cars on the other side stopped. I didn't have much time. 

"Wait, so you really don't know me?"

"It's personal. And complicated," he says. "Some accident wiped my memory. I could very well have known you. Sorry I forget."

The light turned green. "I gotta go," he says. Cars are honking.

"Wait! Come back to the store soon?"

"Um, yeah," he says. Then he pauses. Cars are still honking. As if time stands still, he gets this look and ditches his car running sidewalk. The cars are really pissed, but it's doesn't matter. It's as if we are the only ones in this world. He takes off his cap.

The hard rain hits his hair but I see the same blonde hair I recognize. He looks like he's crying.

"Oh god. I remember now," he says his voice cracking. He runs to me and we hug in the pouring rain, soaking each other.

"I'm not leaving now," he says full on crying. The tears just flow with the rain, I don't even know if I'm crying, if I am, I am. It's been such an emotional day.

"Don't leave," I whisper. And just like that, I'm seventeen again, banging on the glass asking for Tre to come back, but this time he did.

"How did you remember?" I ask.

"You're face must've done something to my memory Billie. Oh gosh. I'm so glad I found you. The doctors said I might only remember certain memories. I still don't know much. It's all blurry. I do remember you vividly now."

"We need to catch up," I say looking straight into his icy blue eyes.

Cars were still honking. "I gotta go back home," he says running to his car. He gets in and starts it.

"Promise you'll come back to the shop within this week Frank?" I shout as he drives off.

He nods. "You can call me Tré Cool." I watch as his car finally disappears heading towards the hills. Forgetting you. But not the time.

The end.


	15. Acknowledgements

I want to start off by telling you, I had a few different endings in mind. It's also up to you what happens. 

Originally I had made that John never said Frank and by the time Billie got him, he realized it was Tre and it ends where he falls asleep remembering Tre and how he met him.

Another ending was that Billie was just randomly walking on the street and passes Tre. he recognizes him instantly but when he turns around, Tre is gone.

Or the ending where after the shop, Billie runs out and John said tre paid in cash so he couldn't track him. But he knew it was him and it's up to the reader to decide if he searches for him or not.

Fuck- I just deleted the other alternate ending twice. I'm pissed... but basically Billie might start at band. Who knows. He has his notebook of songs he might record. He could be famous. His family and tre's hang out all the time.

Nothing bad will happen again. They have amazing lives. Billie still visits mike and writes music to help his feelings. he's happy with his wife and sons too. So yeah....

I'm sorry. I know the ending wasn't the best. There were so many bittersweet ones I thought of but thanks for reading once again!

I don't think I'll make a sequel, but I really truly appreciate every single one of you reading. 

Yes, even the people who read the first chapter then ditched it. Even just simply people who viewed it. This book has been incredible to write.

So thank you so much.

If you're reading this without an account and if you want to connect with me my Instagram is yaknow_your_enemy

If you really can't talk to me, try my twitter it's unruhmlich_

Again THANK YOU!

This book was incredible. It's my best story yet and I wrote it in less than a month so I'm proud.

Love you xx

A ditched sequel is up on my wattpad if you're interested. Username is JohnlockStarkParker


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